omfg....ok so last night we smoked like usual and my eating was down to a minimum, I got groceries yesterday n usually i binge :( but i have remained strong for 3 days. We came inside and hubby started munchies on cheesies. honestly they smelt like puke, but i wanted them so bad. if i started eating i know i wouldnt stop......i starte having a bad anxiety attack like really bad, I havent been taking my anti anxiety pills (ativans) for a while because i ran out and yah thats another story but i dont have any!!! I panicked i know i couldnt eat without feeling horrid and if i eat i would make myself stay up to purge it all, and that wouldnt end well with hubby. I was so scared more scared than I have been in a long time, it was to close, i was terrified....but i got bitchy and went to bed thank god, once im in bed im safe. i told hubby i was miserable didnt say anything. but fuck it feels good today i weighed in again this morning, down a pound, glad but honestly for the torture i wish it would have gone down more, i weighed prob 50 times in 5 min kept giving me diff number so a pound pound and a half, ill say a pound to be safe.
It's snowing.....again.....fuck the cold.....makes me hibernate....
i think my rents are coming by again today......wish me luck that it goes well....
honestly if i fast or really restrict i dont lose as much as i would eating more healthy etc, its fucked and messing with my mind, im thinking of adding a bit more safe stuff maybe to help me lose faster, but i cant do it, i cant eat more, but if it helkps me lose faster.......how ironic......the demons in my head dont like it and their fighting me...eat more? yeah right but lose more ok? im confused enough we will see what happens.......
stay strong
peace
love
skinny
Nikki!!
ReplyDeletestay strong okayy? cos you're losing so much and that's what counts!!
ps- i have no phone till like 9pm sooo dont text me cos i won't be able to respond
and just think of all the good tihngs! like taichi and yoga and your freinds bday!
wootwoot