Get high like planes...

I thought if I posted,

 I thought I shouldn't post because I am not worthy.

You all amaze me with your thoughts and comments.

Today was....hard. Depressed alot more than usual.

Still feel like shit, look like shit, am shit.

I actually cried today,felt good, I felt weak.

but i try and remain strong for my girls and me.

My mama came to visit, and my bff.

Day got better as i drank coffee n got high.

I've been smoking cigs lately too.....but I dunno I can't seem to get into it.

Compared to smoking weed, it's nasty ass fuck.

Don't smoke kids.well cigs anyways.

I can only smoke after I toke or drink or I gag at the taste.

Better than stuffing my face......

It helps though when there is absolutely no food in the house to binge on.

It's pretty barren.....I'll make supper n lunch for my girls but kids are easy and no one is asking me now did you eat?

Are you going to eat? your gonna eat that? now?

but then i get starved and go to binge but no bread, cookies, anything binge like.

I need groceries tho at the store tomorrow but just staple things...but it still scares the shit outta me but my girls have to eat.

I'm so disappointed on how I have failed so badly lately.

I want to get back on track even tho sometimes I feel so far fucking gone, why bother....

I took my girls to the park today and played around, it wasn't much but the fresh air was nice.

I'm pretty sure I almost blacked out when we got home cuz i had only 35 cals all day.

Made some sammiches for supper.

Because there was nothing else.

I hate carbs but i had some bread....turkey slices n cucumber.

I thought i was gonna binge but when theres no food....haha defeats the point haha

but at the same time i got pissed off there was no food i could eat

haha

yay minfucking

Ive also had the worst hunger headache of my fucking life all day.

Reminds me that I'm doing good.

Although I know I am not

i need to start somewhere tho to get back on track

i miss yoga and walks, I'm gonna start back into that asap.

Losing weight and the benefits etc are the only thing that seem to make me truly "happy" and somewhat OK with myself.

Today overall Ive prob had 300 cals?

I know I won't binge so no purging, maybe my throat will feel better

I can't let this win.

I will win this fight and i won't give up.

I can't give up on this, I want this.

I will be strong

I will be skinny

I will accomplish something I AM proud of.

But sometimes it's just so fucking hard.....in too many ways......

to fucking hard.....

But I will walk with ana

She will not drag me along anymore.....

NiKkI

<3

Alwaysstriving~ thank you for your comments, bulimia is different than i remember, I'm mostly ana but mia sneaks up on me, and kicks my ass n then i remember why i just don't eat :P xoxo

Unbeautiful~~ thanks for your thoughts, I'm really trying to keep the drugs to a minimum <3

Gabby~~ Love you baby I wish i felt more useful in my life.....

xoxoxox