When will you let me live

AS, Unbeautiful, Glitch, CJ, Gabby

<3 I have no words for what you guys mean to me <3

When I feel I have no one who understands...you guys are there.

Everyone one of my followers, you mean so much to me. I wish I wasn't such a huge fucking failure. I'm sorry for letting you down. I won't let it happen again.

I'm a fat fuck who binged last night...again

ya

fat fuck fat fuck fat fuck fat fuck fat fuck fat fuck fat fuck FAT FUCK FAT FUCK FAT FUCK FAT FUCKING BITCH.

I prob look no where near the pic I posted last time.

But thank you guys from the bottom of whatever I have left of a heart <3

Your comments mean loads.

I'm not even worthy

Ya i weighed this morning, what a disappointment.

It's my damn fault anyways. No one to blame but meh.

I don't even know what to do for motivation.

I'm thinking I have all of April to shape up.

My birthday is May 7th........

I don't know what I'm doing today other than self loathing hahah I'll prob drink to much coffee and clean......tomorrow I'm going to pick up my Weezy tickets I won.

Ya I'm so going to that concert.

I'll do anything to smoke a blunt with that guy, and Nicki Minaj, I'll do anything to get backstage, and that's my plan, maybe if I'm thin ill be cute enough to get some attention and sneak back hahahaha. Oh to dream :)

Ok I'm done spewing for now

LOVE YOU GUYS

xoxoxoxoxoxoox

NiKkI



Nothing to lose.......

But my FAT.

Straight up, I've got nothing to lose anymore but weight and my girls.

My girls aren't going anywhere and hopefully this FAT decides to split soon too.

That's up to me tho, uhg.

Haven't gained but haven't lost :(

I need to get on it!!!!!!

ok get ready for fat and I can't believe I'm posting but I need help.

I need to stop binging, I almost fasted yesterday.

then i ate

fuck meeeee

Be honest as you want. I need tough love, this pic was taken prob a week ago i hope i haven't fucking failed so horribly my bones are fading

fuck that

ill never give up

with this at least

life I'm giving up on that tho lol

everythinhg and anything i do is never good enough

so fuck you life why should i try when all you do is rape my up my ass lol

i had one good day got tickets n my hair done.

I knew it wouldn't last.

But I basically told hubby I'm going to this fucking concert i don't care what u do or think.

I'm glad i didn't back down, because i always do to make everyone happy.

fuck that not no more!!!!!!

AS~ I'm glad to know I'm not alone but your so much tinier than me!!!!! lol <3

Glitch~ I miss you!!! and yeah nicki minaj is my queen.

Unbeautiful~ I hope i can stay strong!!

I miss blogging but i feel i don't deserve too.

I'll take a pic of my yoga mat soon as I actually remember.

Lately I love the high on emptiness I get giddy and loopy, it's amazing I love it.

but none the less I am still fat.

My moms coming over today.....at least I'll get out.....she wants to go for lunch fuckity fuck

but then some shopping, retail therapy cures me.

Even tho if I spend money I don't have I'm bound to get some sort of lecture hahaha

meh

mama needs new comfys from vic secret.......I wanna new stud for my Munroe, i want i want i want

i want to be thin

i wish i could buy that shit

OK i must get decent

stay strong

more later

bitches

<3\

XoXo

nikki

Not Dead nor Alive.

I don't even know where to begin, of even if I should even bother.

She looks nice tho eh? Mhhmm

I Miss all of you and I try n keep up as well as I can these days. I'm sorry I havent posted in forever, not much to say other than failure. Binged alot.

Havent lost but I don't think I've gained......

127.5 last night......still......fuck

My goal of 110 by May 7th is slipping so far out of sight.

I went to a party on the weekend. It was fun.

Weed, booze, good friends :) Was fun to get out.

I was i looked skinnier for the party.

Better. thinner.

I MUST get back on track, I cant honestly live with all this FAT all over me.

People need to STOP telling me I look good, cause then I think I look ok when I know I don;t.

I'm getting comfortable here and this is NOT where I want to be.

Please tell me iam fat

iam nothing

until iam thin

I need tough love!!!!!

I'm thinking of posting a pic i took of my back..............

Oui or Non?

I need feedback people

OMG I have another follower!!!!!

That makes me smile, welcome....welcome.

uhm ok that distracted me haha shit.

It wasnt even something shiny hahaha fml

http://www.metrolyrics.com/save-me-lyrics-nicki-minaj.html
please listen to this beautiful song.

It has my favorite quote and I think I have posted it before.

"It's not your fault, I'm a bitch, I'm a monster.
Yes I'm a beast and I feast when I conquer.
But I'm alone, on my throne, all these riches.
I came this way, all this way, just to say eh......"

I've been taking lots of pills lately.
It helps numb my mind and body.
I Won tickets to the Lil Wanye and Nicki Minaj concert here at the end of April.
Off of a radio station. I was in shock, awed, never thought I could go cuz im poor etc
I love them, and im in love with nicki at the moment....
I was Stoked until.............hubby said sell them........get some money that we can put towards something for us. I understand where he is coming from BUT I didnt plan on winning these tickets and its someone who ive been dying to see. Hes only got two canadian dates....and nicki minaj? Shes my idol.....hubby hates rap so he doesnt wanna go, any other concert i would totally sell em, but this one? Im basically being guilt tripped into selling them. I still havent fully backed down from going but he makes mefeel like a selfish BITCH and basiclaly says i have to sell them.
He called me selfish too
hahahahah
fuck you
whats he gonna do if i do go?
 leave me??  please......
Yah he will be mad but hed get over it.

I cant go and have fun|? nope.........
karma was nice to me for A day, got my hair cut n colored on friday and won tickets.
I knew it wouldnt last long.
Thank god i was prepared.

I dunno what else to spew on here right now. I'll edit n post more later :)
stay skinny
cause im discusting
but not for much longer
I need your help <3
stay strong xxxx

Things are ok........

Binged....

BUT

I am staying positive, did some yoga, pilates and some stretching :)

Bought a pink yoga mat today. It's pretty and has flowers on it.

I also got some resistance bands to help with my yoga and hopefully tone some more.

I feel I have so much to write.

My brain is empty though.

Unbeautiful- thanks for your comments :)

Glitch- I LURV YOU haha and your award i love your blog and how your a nerd like me.

GraceyJ I miss you and hope your well <3

Gabby- i lurv you too

im sorry if i missed anyone

feel free to complain lol

CJ-my lover i wont fail you again

im rambling, uhm the inlaws leave tomorrow morning

I feel I should have something to look forward too

but i have nothing going

kinda makes me sad

i dont know what to think or do

but lets not think...........

stay strong

x

o

x

o

Nikki

What's next?

I will be so thin, that their will be no room for pain.
Even though I'll never be good enough for him, maybe, just maybe one day for me.
I no longer have a heart because it's been ripped out and stomped on.
Im at my lowest weight since I found out I was pregnant again. I think I'm actually lower.
Yay I guess
Maybe he will leave me when I get thin enough.
I had a taste of the good life.
What a tease.
I must have done something very horrible to deserve this.
Today was such a good day, I shouldn't expect much
Fuck
I was naive to think I could be happy.
Fuck
I wanted to cut like I have never before.
Find me in a pool of blood and maybe you'll see...
I didn't because I'm gonna rock my bones when they come n not to have to answer more questions.
Ok bed
Day 5 no binging
Ya fuck you fat
End

Pics n' Shit

Down two pounds more this morning from yesterday.

127, back at my lowest yet and I'm on my rag.

I'm so strong

I've got ana by the balls, or whatever she has.

Shes my bitch now.

Day was going good til hubby.

I don't wanna talk about it.

I just feel like nothing, piece of shit, dumb,stupid, worthless...I could go on.......

But I feel horrid enough.

His parents are here too which makes everything a million times better.( Insert sarcasm here)

She made me eat, but it was safe so ok.

Shes trying to convince me to eat carbs for supper....I WONT give in.

uhm I finally got some pics on my comp.

I bought these cause i was on the ocean and I also like to bring something memorable from the ocean. the hairpins mmm I love butterflies...so light

I love anything

the hummimgbird ring

they can fly their light

Pretty hey?

uhm here's some shirt's i got

This ones for you Softy <3
Gabbies- thanks for the welcome
I missed all u guys to much
lets see if i got more pics

This is where I was...the town is right on the ocean
It was just shitty and rainy when I was there.

I got my new glasses but I don't wanna put a pic of my grotesque face on here.
I'm mad so ill write more later
God forbid
Fuck you life for fucking me up the ass.
Thanks Alot
 
Nikki

P.s I just hit 1,000 hits. Thanks you guys for making me feel something and reading my blog <3



I'M HOME

Hello Lovelies

I'm finally home <3

Don't know if I'm happy or not haha.

I get to pick up my brand new glasses today!!! I'm excited for that since I've been waiting for them since before I left for my trip, lol.

BC was good, had it's shitty parts....almost killed my mother, but I needed to get home somehow, lol.

she says her mother is stubborn but I know the apples dont fall far from the tree. haha

I left my cell on the plane yesterday

I was in tears, shambles, and blamed my mom

I ripped her head off pretty good,

Unbeautiful-your not selfish cause i pretty much flipped out at anyone and everyone yesterday for no reason. cause i lost my cell and because I'm fat hahaha yah

I'm over it though, I weighed for the first time in a week

I was probability around 132 when I left,

I binged i ate so much more than I usually do, ate shit...well not literally shit but not safe foods.

I got my period yesterday 

and it was a late night weigh

it was 130.5

ya, i lost weight

on my trip like i always do......its mindfucking but good.

considering the facts

I weighed this am at 129

not great

but better wayyyy better than i thought

But i COULD be way lower but lets not focus on that..

lol

I didn't take as many pics as I would have liked but the weather was rainy basically the entire time. I didn't feel like going to the beach lol

I got some cute gifts tho, for myself hahaha I'll take some snaps soon and post them up sooon

i got some cute new t shirts n shit too

nice n tight so they keep me motivated

uhm i have so much to write and say but i cant think of anything hahaha

If your wondering how my trip went or have questions ask away lol

ask anything

it was fun

shenanigans are fun

i am glad to be home though

my space

haha

OK I'll edit this later and hopefully post some pics and my new glasses.

Cause I'm gonna rock the nerd in me

Madd love bitches

Niks

<3 xoxo

Change these voices in my head

This will be me.

Everything about this pic maakes me happy

The water, her necklace,her face,her arms, her RIBS, her hair.

She is my inspiration.

This WILL be me.

I don't feel I deserve to look at her though.

This is my last night here. I have mixed feelings about it.

My boytoy stayed 3 days, it was amazing, I've never felt so wanted before....

He didn't even care if he got anything or not.

He still treated me like gold.

He didn't have to be so sweet to me.

But, he was.

The small simple shit, like walking me to bed and hugging me.

or just holding me if I was down.

Why don't I get this at home? Whats so different about home?

I'm no different at home, I try so hard at home but it's never good enough.

I'm frustrated and confused.

I had a glimpse of what life SHOULD be like for me.

I don't know why, I don't think I deserve shit.

I don't have the balls for change though.

It's my fault I'm miserable I guess.

A friend was asking about purging.

Why I was panicing after supper....so I told him.

"Cause I can't get enough up"

He said he can't handle me hurting myself and doesn't wanna hear about it but " I'm always here for you otherwise"

OK? so When i need a friend most you turn your back on me?

After how you said you would always be there?

I thought you understood, but I knew it was to good to be true.

No one ever undertstands me or gets me.

Never will.

So I'm done expecting somebody....someday would.

I have low expectations.

Whats wrong with me? Where has my ana belle gone?

I hope going home helps get me back on track.

I havent weighed in a week.

And aunt flo came to visit...ya...im FAT

Lately I have been eating more and not good so I started purging after anything and everything.

I rather not eat than eat than purge.

But if I have to eat like I have lately, I'll do anything to get rid of it.

I forgot how much I miss purging.

The feeling I get after it comes up, a high, my eyes RED like I just smoked an ounce of weed.

My face flushed.

My stomach....empty....bye bye food baby.

I'm proud after a purge sad I ate but glad I did something about it.

I've missed you Mia.......welcome home.

My thoughts are fading as my pills are kicking in fast, considering I took way more than I should have.

I don't want to go home.

I want to disappear.

I am numb........................i wish it could feel this way..............forever

Quck up date lovelies

OMG

I miss this

I miss ALL of you So much.

CJ!!!! I love you stay strong

gabby xoxoxo

As

Glitch

Unbeautiful

EVERYONE.

If i didn't mention you....slap me....and I will.

My memory is on vacation mode.

Ive been in BC since Monday evening.

It's Friday already

wow, been visiting alot

I have to take more pics of this place it's just been hectic with two kids

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna kill my mom..........

we wont get into it cuz then this post would take forevearrrrr and i don't have the time and or patience aha yay me eh?

my mom and my grandma said i was to thin

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

BAHAHAHAH

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

crazy women. it doesn't bother me, but i have been eating more since I've been here during the day but not binging at night, i think my metabolism is sped up cuz i wanna eat all the time ack this is bad

didn't bring a scale

but I'll live

i fit into my tight jeans

the ones i did before kids

that's my motivation

holy shit i have so much to read and write.....

the hubby's bro came and saw me.........

Had the in laws house to myself.........

where to start where to start.....;)

that's another post entirely

I'm having fun

I'm relaxed

the ocean is therapeutic

I miss yoga my lover <3

omg I'm rambling

I'm sorry i haven't been around to read or comment, i read here and there.

I MISS YOU

I want all of you to stay strong

stay skinny

and I'm thinking of all of you

<3

MaMa NiKkI

To live doesn't mean your alive.

Interesting eh?

EDITEDDDD AT BOTTOM!!

Stole it from a guy friend on facebook. hah

I'm not gay but I wouldn't say no too those chicks.

Maybe bi-curious, I don't know,call it what you want.

I wouldn't turn away a pretty thin girl.



Anywhoooooo.....

Yea the week hasn't really been the greatest.

Binged, didn't binge, binged, fasted....

and then today.

I weighed, I'm not impressed.

But I plan on it dropping as I fasted yesterday and plan on being good til Monday.

I have a goal in mind for Monday but we will see how tomorrow's weigh goes and see if the goal is fesable.

Yea fasted yesterday, which is rare, but yesterday was SHIT and it felt good being empty and pure.

I lose more  when I eat small healthy things.

im proud of my fast tho.

Ive still been reading everyones blogs just been busy to comment etc.

I keep forgetting BC is soon, I'm leaving this, even just for a little bit, hopefully a break, I'm scared it won't be much of a break at all.

But lets not get ahead of ourselves right? RIGHT

4 days.

I'm thinking of quitting smoking.....well weed......it's all I smoke other than the odd cig at the boys or when/if I drink.

It really seems to be feulling alot of whats going on around here lately.

but at the same time im so dependant on it I can hear the voices in my head screaming no no noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

I guess we will see.

today its cold again and so snowy.

Gabby can i come surf with you please??????????????

Fuck this snow

I hate being in.

but today i shall clean

coffee

yoga

and whatever shit comes my way

i should shower

hahaha yah thats right its a privilege when u have two young kids so dont judge me!!

HA

I have nothing else.

Cj- MON AMIS!!!!!!! <3

I love you all equally....maybe.....

hahaha

peace out

NIKKI

p.s.

im jealous of everyones gorgeous blogs.....mines LAME...expect changes....:)

I feel fucking AMAZING!
I just did some intensive Shakti Yoga for energy
I think it worked
my weight this morning wasn't the best but i feel really good.
I didnt do yoga or anything yesterday and I sure felt it.
I feel FAB!
Lets see how long it lasts lol
I had a yogurt after yoga (35 cals) cause fasting doesnt do shit for me.
I'm making homnemade chicken vegetable soup for supper.
I better get my new freaking glasses soon!!!!
I think i should at least vacuum.
yay for b urning more cals
i have the energy
yayyayaya
end <3
love u

RED ALERT

Good day :)

I didn't binge last night n prob had 200 cals all day :)

Weighed this morning at 129, sunday was a bad night.

but, I'm still in the 20's and I did good yesterday and today so far so good.

Got up had a smoke and coffee, went to the bank.

Now home in my warm house. Damn cold.

Had a yogurt-35cals

Wired on coffeh...

Cj your MY love <3 I was lost without you. Im always here for you and behind you no matter what!!!!!!!!youve been my inspiration

yeah the bread went bad but im strong now :)

Cal- ya yoga is becoming my life i love every aspect of it and its starting to give me a pretty bendy and sexy looking body FINALLY.

The yoga class i went to was amazing

i wish i could go everyday

Glitch- ya that quote is from a song, i tend to pick out quotes that seem fitting i have so many but im never on here when i rememeber them, d;oh!!!!

Gonna go see a friend here soon.....get out for a bit :)

Dinner will be small

and im crossing my fingers for the scale to be back to where it was at 127.5

that would be nice

but im not expecting it, i just hope its not the same or god forbid somehow higher.

Hopefully when i go out my boys will smoke a fatty with me.

im just excited to get out without the kids so i can blast the music and myself into oblivion.

hah dang

Americas next top model started again last wednesday. I am obsessed with that show. its good thinspo and i love the photo shoots and how creative they are. I will be taking tons ans tons of pics when i go to bc so i will post if i can while im there or when  I get back.

T-Minus 6 days til BC <3

I have no more thought hahah will possibly post more later gaters!!!

thinking of you all

stay strong<3

Marissa Miller <3 girl crush<3