I already want this day to be over.
I ate last night guess it was a binge
I haven't had a good sleep in six months
Baby either is awake or I have insomnia
If I eat I sleep
so I ate hate me or whatever
I don't seem to care today
I didnt weigh but I'm gonna do good all week
I'm gonna hit the 20's before valentines day
I hope I can
But guess who came to visit me today for the first time prob in years?.....
Aunt flo
Fan fucking tastic
I havent had it since fuck at least a year n a half or more
N bam today she returns.
Maybe that's why I'm being such a bitch
My mom even noticed before I had seen aunties arrival
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
I guess I'm not tryin hard enough, I hope this doesn't fuck my weighloss
Cuz then I'm gonna rage more than I am already haha fuck
I haven't eaten today n drank my diet tea but meh fuck
Sorry people im lame I'm mad I'm tired n just want to be numb, maybe me n my razor could settle some Of these feelings.
Fml
Fml
Fml
Stay strong lol seems ironic

Sleepless nights

hey people :)
Guess what? My weekend has been surprisingly good...
Didn't binge fri or sat night
Went out last night n visited my boys <3 they make me feel like a bizzillion dollars I'm comfortable around them and they respect me :)
Surprised hubby let me go
We just smoked weed and watched tv :)
Was a nice break, could have gone to the bar but that's a different story
Yesterday I weighed in at 135 lowest yet this is a first goal for me seeing I was this weight when I got hitched
Weighed this morning I'm Down another pound 134. I'm so excited
I'm gettin there
On the way home last night hubby told me to get mcdonalds on te way home
Omfg talk about temptation....but I stayed strong!!!!! I can't believe it but I had support and it helps that my boys think I look awesome and thin n that was the best motivation. I needed :) and I was rewarded this am :) I'm on my way :)
Uhm ya short but sweet :)
Stay STRONG!!!!!! <3 peace love skinny bitches

Ps- dear ana- I'm beyond tired, but sleep eludes me, could you please stop mind FUCKING me please while I try to rest. Muchly appreciated
Love Nikki

Do I need a title??

Ok so this won't b long cause my comp is dead and my chargers fucked!! Ya yay me lol hopefully get a new one soon, I'm so lost without my femputer hahah at least I have my phizzy. Apparently that's what I'm calling my phone in case u were wondering lol
Uhm I think tues night I binged
Grew balls n weighed I was up .5 not horrid but bot great
I stayed positive after wanting to drop of the face of the earth
Didn't binge wed did yoga and went fer a walk
Thursday I binged yet again
Weighed this am and I'm the same I was when I didn't binge n weigh so I'm still at my lowest so far fml I'm one lucky motherfucker Like I got a free pass
I'm not gonna sabotage myself anymore
I realize I'm dropping faster than I thought
Just gotta be patient
Ate maybe 150 cals today n did yoga I'm sore from now let alone tomorrow
I can't wait!
I hope tomorrows weigh goes well I've been drinking my diet tea alot so maybe that's helping even if I suffer cramps I'll live n be thin in the end :D
Um yup I'm going to try to get thru all weekend without overeating or binging n monday will b good I know it. Wish me luck people!!!
Stay strong <3 peace love skinny
Have a good weekend bitchettes

ramble ramble

Hello lovelies
Sorry it's been a few days, of torture and hell.
weekend went bad not going into details it was just bad.
my mom n dad took the girls saturday night and we went for supper. was ok, had 2 drinks and a sandwich off the eating right menu and only ate half. doesnt count tho considering i binged later on
fail
I started thinking why I felt like such shit. Then I realized how much I want this and all I am doing is setting myself back further and further and making things wayyyyyy harder than they already are. So what am I gonna do? I'm gonna change, im going to do whatever it takes to lose.
Sacrifices must be made and i'm willing to make them :)
I did not binge sunday night
I did not binge monday night
prob had under 500 cals in both days
weighed this morning and its at the lowest I have been yet, not my lowest lowest but most recent lowest. I'm glad i shaped up and I couldn't have done it without my help (cj and kalei <3)
You keep me fouused and strong
I'm doing this for me and you :))
I have nothing else interesting to write....goiung shopping today....at least I will get outta the house.
Peace
Lurv
Skinnay

<3
"Never give up"

420

ahahahahahah I had to blog
i hit 420 hits!! hahaha if u dont know what that means
don't ask
lol
unless I like u an I will fill you in with the 411
Last night this morning was pure torture
I binged last night :( hard :(:(:( yes i failed again
This morning i felt so sick and i still do but i was at the point of violently shaking, cold sweats, and nauseated. I don't have a problem with puking but not the feeling of having too. It felt like morning sickness all over again but dont worry girls and boys im 100% not prego. I am sure it was from the binge......i SIV n nothin g but bile came up but it made me feel a bit better, i felt like the worst person in the world, my three year old asking if I was ok :(
she didnt see me thank god
I needed to be punished....
I'm not a cutter
but i found blades.....not shaving blades...exactoknife razors. fresh ones that u can break off every time it gets dull, i snapped off three.
I cut twice on my hip and twice on my upper thigh, it looked like it didnt do much so i stopped n came upstairs.
I felt a stinging sensation as i look down and see blood thru my jamma pants and top.......it was a sense of accomplishment, i wanted to bleed, i needed it. i felt so in control
i just wanted to watch the blood
 taste it
 watch it
fuck up eh?
their just surface cuts so dont worry
im just worried hubby will see
in a way it was euphoric
I havent eaten all day
i guess thats good.....making spagetti for supper but ill just eat the sauce.
what else to report? i dont know
its smoke time finally
stay strong people

Too close for comfort

omfg....ok so last night we smoked like usual and my eating was down to a minimum, I got groceries yesterday n usually i binge :( but i have remained strong for 3 days. We came inside and hubby started munchies on cheesies. honestly they smelt like puke, but i wanted them so bad. if i started eating i know i wouldnt stop......i starte having a bad anxiety attack like really bad, I havent been taking my anti anxiety pills (ativans) for a while because i ran out and yah thats another story but i dont have any!!! I panicked i know i couldnt eat without feeling horrid and if i eat i would make myself stay up to purge it all, and that wouldnt end well with hubby. I was so scared more scared than I have been in a long time, it was to close, i was terrified....but i got bitchy and went to bed thank god, once im in bed im safe. i told hubby i was miserable didnt say anything. but fuck it feels good today i weighed in again this morning, down a pound, glad but honestly for the torture i wish it would have gone down more, i weighed prob 50 times in 5 min kept giving me diff number so a pound pound and a half, ill say a pound to be safe.
It's snowing.....again.....fuck the cold.....makes me hibernate....
i think my rents are coming by again today......wish me luck that it goes well....
honestly if i fast or really restrict i dont lose as much as i would eating more healthy etc, its fucked and messing with my mind, im thinking of adding a bit more safe stuff maybe to help me lose faster, but i cant do it, i cant eat more, but if it helkps me lose faster.......how ironic......the demons in my head dont like it and their fighting me...eat more? yeah right but lose more ok? im confused enough we will see what happens.......
stay strong
peace
love
skinny

Hey hey hey
How are you today?
I'm doing alright, been a relaxed day, hubby came home early.
Got out by myself for a bit :D
Came home...Then took my oldest out for a sledride, thought it would be nice to get her outside now that its not minus a billion. it was really refreshing and actually sunny out today :) makes me feel nice. so i got some exercise and my oldest had a blast outside, her nose n cheeks were 8 shades of red. lol i thought it was a good time to go in :) i was thinking about dancing for a bit to burn some more cals but damn i did more than i thought today lol mamas tired, maybe later ill do some ab workouts mmm yes yes i shall
ive only had prob about half a yogurt today so 17 cals"? and coffee , im hungry but supper will be sooner than later and i can just get it out of the way
and smoke my face off
i weighed this am, back to where i was
which is good yeah but i just think of all the weight i could have lost....but lesson learned move on, im not giving up!!
todays day three of no binging so far :) im happy about that it feels good bones feel good <3
they will feel better when theres no FAT on them
i dont have a goal...but gonna stay strong as i can!
fuck i always have no thoughts when i have time to blog then to many when i have no time.
figures
stay skinny minnies
<3

Rest of the day went okay. Phew
Cleaned up lots today, squeezed in some yoga......had some good ol diet tea...and did some madd grocery shopping lol, was overall a good day and im hoping n assuming 200cals, just some chicken n veggies. 
Dear  scale gods,
Please be nice to me tomorrow morning
pretty pretty please
I didn't binge last night OR tonight
I hope your proud of me
I won't do you wrong again
<3

Night Lovelies

Fuck You

I fucking hate myself
I hate when I'm not even up for an hour and ive already been bitched at because I didn't throw the shovel properly.
I hate being called a stupid lazy asshole, cuz yah all I do is sit on my FAT ass with my thumb up my ASS watching YOUR kids.
No, I don't do fuck all.
So guess what, Im actually gonna do fuck all
so if u wanna bitch about something, ill give u something to bitch about
Ok so hes snowblowing and needed the shovel so i threw it bujt it wasnt far enough blah blah blah told me to come out n snowblow ( i wish) cause ya im just doiung nothing inside. grrrrrrr its not even noon and im pissed
meh whats new
fuck
i hate binging
buti didnt last night yay but i didnt weigh cuz im still too terrified
i hate fake people
i hate people who SAY they love you n then they call u names and make u feel like SHIT
i hate everything right now
except for coffee
im so mad
but its my fAUULT
so yah yay what a grand beginning to the day
fuck
I hate.
Call me a hater
i dont care, please just dont call me fat.

"Do u ever walk into the bathroom and leave the light off or turn it off so you dont have to see your own reflection looking back? " welcome to my world.......

Niks

Can never knock me down

Worst weekend ever.
fail
bad fail
did not reach any goals :( Sorry Cj

But I am back, my dad got me out of the house today which was a godsend. went shopping
Took me to Victoria's Secret <3 Got some sweats which are a small :D and a hoodie is a medium but not gonna let that discourage me. They are gorgeous, im never taking these clothes off. I walked a ton today and have only had 2 small tomoatoes, b ite of a cucumber and sodium free broth (ack) but its safe. lol so im gonna say 100cals or under and its 630pm!! thats all for today n back on the wagon tomorrow, im scared to weigh but I got myself into this mess I gotta face the numbers. I will be thin
Ive never wanted anything so bad ever.
When I want something i get it
i just wish it was now
PATIENCE I hate you
but i got nothing but time
I reconnected with a good friend today, she understands, shes like me <3 I love you boo
Shes a great support too, I don't know what I would do if my friends and support didnt believe in me, cause I sure dont
Ill post more tomorrow when i have more time.
Stay Strong
Peace
Love
Skinny <3

Fail

I don't feel like writing much because I;m trying to forget how I fucked up last night :(
I binged....I was doing so well fuck fuck fuck fuck
I did not weigh because im depressed enough
i feel gross why did I not think of this before i ate arg
I'm going to try n not let this little slip mess me up though.
Im gonna be a good girl all weekend and hopefully still hit a goal of 3lbs by monday.
im halfway there i guess
Im gona drink tons of water and have my tea today
it will flush me out well and im gonna do good this weekend!!!!
I was starting to feel somewhat ok about myself but damn i hope that feeling comes back.
Im excited its friday but bummed cause im doing fuck all and the weekend does scare me cuz its easier for bad food and binges. but not me.
i can do this.
Nikki.

4 continued....

So my rents came over, went well I guess. Didn't get lunch, said we had a later lunch which was 50% true. I made them some sammiches.
Buttt my mom did say something.
"So your not eating again eh? or not properly are you???"
oh here we go againnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
i said mom i had a late breakfast
she said i always use that excuse
blah
But im glad i had nothing until supper :)
Dry mixed veggies n plain chicken breast again
yes again but its safe
i felt good euphoric waifish light headed, then I ate boo but i had to. im done for the day tho
thinking around 200 cals so im good for the day im excited to see how much ive gone down tomorrow :):)
it's finally smoke time thank GOD or whoevers out there lol.
time to quiet the voices....just for a bit :)
stay strong
stay thin
stay beautiful
NikkiNikki nine doors ahahaha
xxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxoxoox
x

love

Numero 4!!! Bitches....

Day number 4 of not binging!! Im glad im so strong, i feel strong. Im down another 1.5lbs.....3 pounds away from my first goal. I did yoga yesterday, felt so good but im suuuuuure feeling it today!! Im gonna rest toay i think :) my parents are coming over which is nice but at the same time "oh we will pick up lunch or go for lunch" aggghhhhhh fml. I dont like to eat til later. Hope fully i can get out of supper again. blah im smart lately, ill figure something out.
Im stoked i have another follower hahaha im lonely lol.
hmmm....
CJ: Your blog post touched my heart so much. Im so glad we met and the relationship we have developed. You understand me and suppiort me so much. You are my rock and I think of you so much ( in a non creepy way) I love how you confide in me and text me whenever u need support. im so happy i can help in any way possible, it makes me feel great and not a useless boob. I dont know where i would be without your friendship support and swift kicks in the ass <3 xoxoxo
I hope today goes well for everyone.
We have new goals, lose 3 lbs by monday and no binging until sat. im hoping to make it til monday so i lose as much as possible <3 we can do it!!!!!
uhm shit yah my mind is blank........if i remember how to think later ill blog some mo!!
peace n skinny
N.

Will the cold help me lose weight??!?

Gotta love Canada, god damnnit its so cold. -30 degrees celcius---i dont know what it is in farenheight but its fucking cold!!!! In a way i like it, cause if im cold i feel i burn more calories than I do when im hawt.
Yesterday was a good day, my mama came over n took me and my girls for lunch...I was a bit panicky when we were going for lunch, but at least we went somewhere where they had something safe (chicken boob and salad). I took the rest "home" to eat, my mom bitched and said eat all the chicken.....I started saying something about how i need a new bra, but im not one losing weight n i dont want to have to get another in a few months...oops...right away....she said, why do u need to lose more weight!? HERE WE GO AGAIN.....because mom i wanna lose all this baby FAT i still have and get to the weight i was before i was prego. it was really nice of her to say that i look great now and blah blah but iam not done. iam still 20lbs away from a goal not my goal but a goal. Then she said the word i dread...you look healthy. she mine have well just said your fat. i know she means well but i have this under control, i know what iam doing andd what to expect. everyone thinks im gonna go loopy again bah whatever ill show them :)
After lunch we did some shopping, which was good cuz we walked alot, got a new cardigan, its an orangey peach color. I Lurv it, i also lurv it because its a small :) i could have gotten a medium...but then what kind of motivation is that????
im back down into the 30;s where i was before thank god cause my weekend was not good!! but im back on track and havent binged in 2 days!! hoorah :)
but shopping was fun, i was a bit worried for supper cuz i usually only have one meal a day\
hubby had leftovers from lunch and so did my oldest, i said i was still full from lunch and got away with no supper!! it was awesome!! hubby never even asked if i had eaten or if i was going to eat. hes been better lately im nice to him and he doesnt ask questions...its perf, for now. i ate a yogurt before i went and got blitzed so i wasnt munching hard after or binge later last night.
went good, didnt binge, but fuck hubby and his loud crunchy orgasmic smelling potato chips behind me. i stayed strong and thought about my motivators

• My new sweater and clothes that are smalls
• One of my boys has a bday in March and im going, i havent been out to the bar in forever and im gonna make sure i blow the socks off whoever i see.
• My birthday is in may and i wanna look smoking for that too
• summer
• summer
• summer
• lol and i might meet my best text budd ever soon an i dont want her to think im a fat ass piggy.

thats all i got but if that doesnt help me im fucked!! FUCKED!!!
its to cold to go outside so im gonna clean today and hopefully workout!!
im done ranting......for now

How ever many reasons I can come up with......

I will NOT eat because ;

• I'm FAT enough already.
• The scale numbers will only go UP.
• You won't be THIN enough by your birthday let alone SUMMER.
• You want your new clothes to fit or be BAGGY, not tight on your FAT
• Your piercing won't look goodd if your face is FAT
• I don't want to FAIL again
• Your bones have just started to show, don't let them fade away

Either way I still FAIL. Im so sorry ana
im so sorry everyone.
i did not reach my goal this weekend :(

Holy Guacamole.....wait isn't that high in cals?????

Not a bad day :)
My mom took my oldest girl last night for the night, was a nice break so I just had the baby. Got maybe an hour extra of sleep lol but then I had to take my babe for her immunizations at 1030, i had planned on getting up at 9 hahahaha 10:01 am later haha at least I only had to get a baby dressed. thank god lol, went well tho she only cried a tiny bit :)
After that went out to my moms to get my girl n she said she was taking us out for lunch ack, i usually have nothing until supper, let alone lunch.
went to east side marios= pasta bread and CARBS booo the enemy
thank god they had somerthing i consider safe just a garden salad with a grilled chicken booby. I think i did goo consiering...they braught 2 loaves of hot homemade bread to start, and them my moms friend ordered appys (deep fried cheese) i think i just vomited in my mouth a bit.
but i sucked on my coffee n said no thanks!!
ate my salad
then they got dessert too fml but i was strong and said no!!
I had to eat but it was only a bit.
then hubby brought home A & W but a grilled chick burger i took a few bites of the chicken n tossed the rest. so far so good :)
Oh i idnt have time to weigh this am cuz lack of time etc- made me feel fat all day
Im going to have tea.....i think i need a good flush lol i can feel the cramps now lol fml
i hope the weighjt is ok in the am. lets cross fingers!!!
CJ im thinking of you an hope your safe in this wintery mess!!!!
uhm, have a good weekend and stay strong!!
i made it for my non binging goal now my new goal is to not binge/over eat on the weekend
have a fab weekend!!!
xxx
ooo
thin is IN

Decisions

Dint write yesterday, wish i had but i had more things on my mind....
Ok lets start with good news cuz it will be short....
weighed in yesterday- down 2 pounds....
weighed this morning...down another pound...a bit dissapointed it didn't go down more considering how busy i was yesterday did yoga drank my diet tea andd didn't binge which makes 4 nights!!!
ok that is the only good

bad
hubby bitched at me for texting my guy friend because he listens an doesnt BITCH at me, hubby was clearly jealous, i made dinner for him last night n he basically said fuck you, he freaks at the littlest shit and swears and looses his mind, i told him this is unacceptable around our kids, but he doesnt get it, he does no wrong, its all my fault, thennnnnnn he called me dumb and asked if i ever listened?? hahahahah really? i try to talk to him and have an actual convo n he just sits there, i talk to myself or a brick wall, explaining myself is pointless cuz he never believes a thing outta my mouth in the first place.....everything is my fault...but i know for a fact he wont leave, wheres he gonna go? but he wiull make me leave and take the kids n go to my moms yea i really wanna do that AGAIN, i dont want to bother her again and i will have to eat.....
oh i forgot one good thing, im so motivated to get skinny and thin to piss him off and maybe he will just leave me so he wont have to put up with all my shit
he freaked out last night at my oldest cuz she was crying an told her to shut the fuck up yah......shes 3.....not impressed...livid barely being able to type cuz im shaking im so mad and lost
this is not a happy home
iam not happy with anything
i dont know what to do or where to go
then i didnt make his lunch so before work he said make my lunch hurry up.....i dont k now why i did i just wanted to get some sleep half an hour a night is not good
id prob lose more weight if i slept better
wasn't scared
my girls woul be happier too if they werent terrified
i feel like a terrible mother not protecting them more from a monster.

Im happy its sunny out today
im happy my weight is going down fast
im happy i have such good support from family and friends

Im scared to have to think about e verything going on and have to make a large decision and stick with it or nothing will ever change.
im sick of being miserable
but im also sick of doing nothing and letting him control everything i do
i dont want to think, cuz then i realize how fucked up shit actually is
my moms coming over cuz she knows whats going on, i wanna be alone, but maybe its not safe, at least my mind is to full to think of food
I'm just scared.....period.

xxx

Lies....

I didn't binge last night so that makes 2 nights in a row for me!!! it feels like its been 2 years. My goal is to not binge and make it to friday. My girl Cj is doing it with me and were doing wicked bad. stay strong girl we can do it!!
uhm weighed this am and down 1.5lbs.....i lost yah but seems like i should have been happier....ill be happy when i see double digits <3
so basically lately ive been hearing things from a friend that basically i should have been learning from the source. I hope that makes sense........but basically i've come to realize i'm living a lie.....how grand......
I don't know what to believe anymore and how I'm being played, but I'm done. I don;t know whats truth and whats a load of shit, which is hard because im forced to show what i hide alot and excuses are made for my ed, but now i sometimes think this is why.
You wanna lie to me
not anymore
im not as  stupid as you think
You won't play me anymore.
You wanna play? Lets play
I'm going to smoke then bed......day number three of not binging......cant wait til morning to weigh.
Night Lovelies......
Peace & Love
       xxx

What what??

Been a few days, was the weekend so things were busy. Ive been failing horribly past few days.....im fed up. im done. I'm done screwing around. theres no excuse for me to be losing anymore!!!!
im getting back on track.
been purging alot more lately when i have too but basically just been restricting hard.
weighed this am, not up but the same=fail
Havent eaten all day, been having coffee and tea
omg talk about tea i baught "diet tea" yesterday.
its basically a laxative tea, ive had it before, it says ease into it....did I listen? lol nope had 2 cups on the first day extremely strong. it works FAB but holy shit.....no pun intended....im pretty sure i have no insides left. the cramps HURT SO BADD lol im just gonna have a cup after supper, then see how my body reacts haha ouch.
got kinda bitched out yesterday by the other half, I think i hide well and we dont talk much about it. he saw that i got the tea n he knew what its for, basically told me he doesnt wanna go thru all that "shit" again, he knows im losing weight cuz i had a baby 6 months ago. so im trying to lose baby weight etc and get back to where i was pre babies. he says i have ( which is a lie cuz i still gotta at least lose 20lbs) at LEAST! he doesnt know my actual goal weight. but just because im tyring to get lean and lose baby fatt he thinks automatically it will go bad. i hate it. i feel this time i know what to expect and how to handle things better. this has nothing to do with him so i hate when he makes excuses to bitch at me
i got rid of the tea box n keptthe bags tho ( ;) thanks CJ)
i guess im not going to be saying anything about weight loss etc so the topic wont come up.
I kinda told him i wannted to be skinny again..,....oops
well now ive learned lol
went outside today with the kids cause it was so warm. thought fresh air and shovelling to burn cals would help. Strapped the baby too me adding some resistance! I shoveled our snow and our neighbours!! phew was fun and a workout!! the next time i find dog shit in my yard tho from dogs people just let roam around im gonna fucking LOSE it!!
Im addicted to thinspo right now
good thinspo
hmm i always know what to write when i dont have time to blog
then my mind stops

Cj: im excited for your new found freedom!!! i cant wait to read your whole essay, and excited to make it til friday!! stay strong