Decisions

Dint write yesterday, wish i had but i had more things on my mind....
Ok lets start with good news cuz it will be short....
weighed in yesterday- down 2 pounds....
weighed this morning...down another pound...a bit dissapointed it didn't go down more considering how busy i was yesterday did yoga drank my diet tea andd didn't binge which makes 4 nights!!!
ok that is the only good

bad
hubby bitched at me for texting my guy friend because he listens an doesnt BITCH at me, hubby was clearly jealous, i made dinner for him last night n he basically said fuck you, he freaks at the littlest shit and swears and looses his mind, i told him this is unacceptable around our kids, but he doesnt get it, he does no wrong, its all my fault, thennnnnnn he called me dumb and asked if i ever listened?? hahahahah really? i try to talk to him and have an actual convo n he just sits there, i talk to myself or a brick wall, explaining myself is pointless cuz he never believes a thing outta my mouth in the first place.....everything is my fault...but i know for a fact he wont leave, wheres he gonna go? but he wiull make me leave and take the kids n go to my moms yea i really wanna do that AGAIN, i dont want to bother her again and i will have to eat.....
oh i forgot one good thing, im so motivated to get skinny and thin to piss him off and maybe he will just leave me so he wont have to put up with all my shit
he freaked out last night at my oldest cuz she was crying an told her to shut the fuck up yah......shes 3.....not impressed...livid barely being able to type cuz im shaking im so mad and lost
this is not a happy home
iam not happy with anything
i dont know what to do or where to go
then i didnt make his lunch so before work he said make my lunch hurry up.....i dont k now why i did i just wanted to get some sleep half an hour a night is not good
id prob lose more weight if i slept better
wasn't scared
my girls woul be happier too if they werent terrified
i feel like a terrible mother not protecting them more from a monster.

Im happy its sunny out today
im happy my weight is going down fast
im happy i have such good support from family and friends

Im scared to have to think about e verything going on and have to make a large decision and stick with it or nothing will ever change.
im sick of being miserable
but im also sick of doing nothing and letting him control everything i do
i dont want to think, cuz then i realize how fucked up shit actually is
my moms coming over cuz she knows whats going on, i wanna be alone, but maybe its not safe, at least my mind is to full to think of food
I'm just scared.....period.

xxx