Change these voices in my head

This will be me.

Everything about this pic maakes me happy

The water, her necklace,her face,her arms, her RIBS, her hair.

She is my inspiration.

This WILL be me.

I don't feel I deserve to look at her though.

This is my last night here. I have mixed feelings about it.

My boytoy stayed 3 days, it was amazing, I've never felt so wanted before....

He didn't even care if he got anything or not.

He still treated me like gold.

He didn't have to be so sweet to me.

But, he was.

The small simple shit, like walking me to bed and hugging me.

or just holding me if I was down.

Why don't I get this at home? Whats so different about home?

I'm no different at home, I try so hard at home but it's never good enough.

I'm frustrated and confused.

I had a glimpse of what life SHOULD be like for me.

I don't know why, I don't think I deserve shit.

I don't have the balls for change though.

It's my fault I'm miserable I guess.

A friend was asking about purging.

Why I was panicing after supper....so I told him.

"Cause I can't get enough up"

He said he can't handle me hurting myself and doesn't wanna hear about it but " I'm always here for you otherwise"

OK? so When i need a friend most you turn your back on me?

After how you said you would always be there?

I thought you understood, but I knew it was to good to be true.

No one ever undertstands me or gets me.

Never will.

So I'm done expecting somebody....someday would.

I have low expectations.

Whats wrong with me? Where has my ana belle gone?

I hope going home helps get me back on track.

I havent weighed in a week.

And aunt flo came to visit...ya...im FAT

Lately I have been eating more and not good so I started purging after anything and everything.

I rather not eat than eat than purge.

But if I have to eat like I have lately, I'll do anything to get rid of it.

I forgot how much I miss purging.

The feeling I get after it comes up, a high, my eyes RED like I just smoked an ounce of weed.

My face flushed.

My stomach....empty....bye bye food baby.

I'm proud after a purge sad I ate but glad I did something about it.

I've missed you Mia.......welcome home.

My thoughts are fading as my pills are kicking in fast, considering I took way more than I should have.

I don't want to go home.

I want to disappear.

I am numb........................i wish it could feel this way..............forever