New Years Eve,
The only good thing about today is that I weighed this am cuz I FINALLY made it thru one day of not binging!!! I had prob 200 cals yesterday and worked out.
Im sure feeling those squats today but it feels good.
My weight was not good nor bad, the same, but it will go down more.
It's like if I get thru one day one night without eating I know I can do it, now lets go for 2 days then three and maybe ill reach a week and be to my first goal weight!!!!!! that excites me
I realize when I eat, I don't think about it, or the consequences.
I just eat.
Then I suffer the consequences.
But I find I think about stuff like: if i keep going like this im gonna get fat, the piercing i just got wont look good if my face is FAT, I just went shopping and baught clothes mostly in smalls and i dont want them to not fit and the jeans i got are tight enough, or i love waking up  from not binging and running to the scale as it rewards me for being good.
I will think about this next time i wanna stuff my face lol
i love my new clothes i wanna wear them not look like a sausage.

My  new years resolution :

I usually don't eat all day then night comes and I fail.
Sooooooooo....... instead of eating cuz im bored etc, I vow to have sex!!!! or put something in my mouth thats not food!! bahaha sorry but it will keep me from eating and get a lil sexercise!!! Im pretty sure hubby will like my resolution too.  Im hoping it helps my marriage too :):)

I sure dont have any more though, other than lose weight etc but thats always a goal and i find setting resolutions etc is just set up for a fail. lol.
umumum.......I have no plans for new years.....its crappy maybe something will comer up but with 2 kids its tricky
I wanna hear everyone elses resolutions/plans!!
Happy new year
stay safe
im rready to start the new year on a good note!!!
xxx

mofugger

my new piercing, sorry about the editing out everything else, this is my space and I like to remain annonymous lol. i love it im so proud and glad i went thru with it. made me feel in control :) I got a kinect for xmas and i SO just worked out, fuck ya it was nice, im excited to get back on track and continue to lose.

mmmmmm doesnt she look happy

and perfect and oh yah shes my thinspo for today and possibly for the week. i love how i dunno different she is.

your all in trouble now that i know how to post pics lmao

uhm i plan on eating max 300 cals for supper and that will be it for the day.

maybe no i will weigh tomorrow morning so i can get back on track.

I love you everyone

Stay Strong

xxx

New Year

My badd for not blogging lately,
I havent had two seconds alone or to myself to blog let alone do anything else.
Xmas was good, got so much i am very lucky for that.
Got a kinect for my Xbox!!!!!! and 5 games, talk about a fun workout!! and i got an exercise game. thank god cause i got so much to lose still. I havent weighed in a few days cuz im depressed enough.
went shopping at Old Navy, got some nice non prego clothes, and size small, i can't wait until that shits baggy on me. it will happen
im sick of feeling like shit everyday, so i'm going to change it, change me.

im close to my first goal weight even tho its still high, I got  NEW piercing on boxing day because I have wanted one bad so I did it!!! I got a munroe I LOVE it. Ill post pics asap as i do not have any on my comp atm, and i got new shoes cause shoes always fit. lol
uhm im excited for the new year a fresh start for me for everyone by summer i will be thin.
Im so lucky for my friends and their support, I would be no where without them ;)
I wish more people would follow me lol damnnit im lonely haha awwe

my brain is blank lol and i had so much to vent yesterday awe well im gonna be a double blogger today guaranteed
xxx

Jingle Balls

Wow good thing I'm ready for xmas bahahaha ya right.....
I finally got motivated and went out shopping yesterday, I thought you know maybe I should before xmas eve or xmas lol, the mall was hectic but it was awesome to get out, my girls were good and found some good things, i was totally looking for something for me too but i ran outta time lol maybe today ill sneak something in for me!!!

I;m back down to the weight i was so thank god for that. but then its xmas dinner tomorrow fml life hates us and never wants us to be thin. lol but i'm hoping i can control myself and be down another 5-10lbs by new years!!im getting really close to the weight i was when I got married so in a way im kinda stoked for that because its my first goal weight :) I feel motivated i hope it stays like this :)

I miss you CoCo...I can't wait til your back and i can infiltrate your blog more!!!! hahah WE can stay strong!!!!
uhm yup everything else is pretty boring...............mayyybe i'll squeeze some yoga in today or maybe some vigorous xmas shopping!!! I got nothing else right now.....
Stay Strong
Stay Thin
Nikki ;)

Manic Monday...FML

So I told myself last night tomorrow is the beginning of a new week and a fresh start. Fuck that, weighed this morning and I'm up three pounds!! wtf, i managed to fast all day yesterday and have only eaten a yogurt today (35kcals) Got the kidlets ready to go grocery shopping cause I thought it would be nice to leave the house.. got myself ready and both kids, got them out into the car as i turn my key and all i hear is clicking. PERFECT cause you know my day/weekend hasnt alrready been shit. I lost it, the day i have motivation to get out the universe says NOPE your still being punished. hubbys coming home but now i wont be done grocery shopping until late now, i cant friggin wait to see what else life has to throw at me.
im pretty much done.....i give up
it just gives me that much more motivation to lose
it's 5 days til xmas
fuck
fuck christmas
fuck money
fuck everything
i just wanna be happy

Weekend from hell

I'm not going into details because i'm over it, i ate far to much last night and im being punished for it. I should have expected it. I fasted today to make up for it, I never want to eat again. I realized how much I like feeling empty....and in control over this one thing in my life. the one and only thing, Ive never felt so worthless and disrespected ever in my life. but im dont feeling sorry, im done being weak. I need to be strong. I will be thin
I will not be a gross fat discusting pig anymore
I will not give in
I rather starve more than anything right now
it feels good
it feels right
I have so much to say but i dont even know where to begin.....
I will not fail anymore.........
I promise ana
I'll do anything for you now.........

Everyone loves a quicky ;)

I have lots to write but not alot of time so here we go. No kids tonight!!! Girls with G&G, im so excited. like and early xmas gift. were planning on going for supper and I really don't care cuz its been so long since ive left the house let alone gone out. we will see how that goes tho. mom sent me home with homemade caramel corn and 2 loaves of fresh bread. fml. standing in the kitchen cursing christmas with all its giving of goodies etc as i ate it, maybe todays a free day ack. i'm so excited to sleep for more than an hour at a time. i could sleep for weeks.
this is not much of a quicky was it?
Peace and Love

Ramblings....

I knew I wasn't done......Will I ever be really?
I feel like a horrible bitchy whiny mom. I should be happy with everything in my life...
but i'm not...I haven't left the house in to long, if I go anywhere I have to first off dig myself out of the garage, and with two little ones it's basically impossible. It looks like the bloody north pole and it's still snowing....I need groceries....I have done 0 christmas shopping.......I need to get out. period. But going out usually takes money, and I'm broker than broke. So whats the point of going out. Im still...STILL in jammies cause i'm obviously not going anywhere so why the hell should I get dressed?? No ones gonna appreciate it anyways.....i feel lately too....why do I wanna be thin when no ones going to see me or appreciate it anyways/!?!?!!?? But i'm not giving up, I want to be thin for me, in a weird way it's almost keeping me sane but I lost my mind years ago...I didnt know it could keep going.
I haven't eaten today which is good but im starving i hope i can get away with no supper and not be a fatass binger later. The only thing i get happy about is weight loss and my self control.
I'm starving.....I need to shower but I rather do it without a toddler with me.....my brains not on today.....ill write more when i can think straight

Welcome Lovelies

Good Morning, even though it's sure not morning anymore, I still consider it as I am still in jammy jams. This is where I'm going to vent and talk hopefully without judgement and annonymously (sp). Whatever...
So I thought I was doing good......down another 5 lbs...but do you think I could control it for long??? I can't go one night without binging it seems, and not being able to purge is horrific, I went two days but then FAILED bad last night, I'm gonna fast today, hopefully make up for last night....It's Friday though...should I be happy? Iam a bit because my parents are taking my girls and maybe ill get to sleep more than an hour at a time. Apparently were also going out for dinner...I havent been out in so long, I'm scared.
Things in general have been stressful lately........I usually get great support from my family, but this morning was different, I basically got suck it up, be happy for what u have and stop whining. I feel like extra shit now. Cuz u know i didnt feel GREAT when i woke up for the 19th time this morning. I don't know, now I feel like I can't talk to anyone to get support because no one understands so now I'm totally a closed book, this is where im gonna vent so no one gets hurt or upset or offended, if your offended im sorry.
I have so much to say but I dont want you to get bored by reading my bitching lol
All im gonna say is I'm married......but I have a very close friend, he means alot to me and basically told me how he feels........fml lol......
BLAH!!!!! I could go on but then what else would I write later on??? lol
Stay Strong my Beautifuls xoxo