Nothing is good enough, nor will it ever be.
I try, I fail.
I should be aware of this by now.
Failure seems to be my thing.
At the same time I'm ready to change how things work, how I act, what I do and how others treat and respect me.
I'm done being walked on, used and labelled.
I'm sorry for lack of blogging, I feel I'm to fat to blog, a disappointment to the ED world.
I don't know where else to turn tho.
No one understands me and I've come to the realization maybe no one ever will and I'm ok with that.
I shouldn't have to explain myself or my ways.
If you don't like it, then you can have a nice day and fuckoffplease
So I need to be more accountable for myself and make short and long term goals.
Here are a few......
- Be less indecisive, not let people walk all over and use me.
- Try n look at the positive side of things
- Write/ journal more
- Find out who my real friends are, who I can trust and who is blatantly lying to my face.
- I'm sick of being labelled the bitch slut whore.
- More independent
- I want to change my name my hair.
- I enjoy my personality so not that
- I want people to look at me and think I am strong
- I want respect when it's given
I feel like no one respects me...so why the fuck should I respect myself.
I need to be thin again.
I need to let Ana and Mia help me get there.
They will mold me into who I want to be.
Just as long as I don't sabotage myself and fail
I cannot fail again
It's unacceptable
I won't let it happen and I'm posting this so I am accountable for my actions.
I feel alone in this journey.
Alone in life.
People cause too much drama and I'm fucking sick of drama.
If you want Drama, be an actor, but stay away from me.
I have enough of it thanks.
It may sound selfish but I'm just gonna do me and you could never EVER understand it.
I know a few of you do and that's what keeps me strong knowing I am not totally alone in this hell I have created for myself.
CJ our alias' excite me!!!! People think I'm this cookie cutter.......
If they only knew....but what kind of fun would that be now right?!?
Right.
Life fucks me.....but I'm just gonna kick it right back in its face.
I realize I have control over my life and I'm gonna use it.
I will be strong again.
I have to be.....
What else is there........
Any feedback would be super guys thanks
thinking of you all even if I'm currently a lost soul.
<3 xxx
Nikki
Take me Ana
In your frail tiny arms
let me feel what you can bring me
what i want to be
I need you so much right now.
I give you my heart and soul
Please just give me strength and support
you wont be disappointed.
