skinny dreams await

so this will be short
today was ok i guess, mentally draining
ate lunch puked then napped
had supper stayed busy an the cal count today is low
my last weigh was 117.5
did not weigh today because i was a fat little piggy but today i was good.

p,lease ana/mia i need a boost right now, i hope ive
this is all i seem to have sometimes....

I love you K.
I love you to coco
we can win this shit and be the bad bitches everyone hates cuz there jealous

sweet skinny dreams
Nikki <3

Fly

Soooo......yay my second post within a few days hahaha. Go me? I miss blogging but at the same time I don't? I dunno. Ive been so crazy busy I havent even picked up my laptop much.

Ive been dealthy ill the past prob 3 weeks, the past week has been the worst of my life.

hubby is away n having 2 sick kids when i can barely get out of bed is not so fun.

With everything else is my life right now being sick is not how I want to be.

|My life u ask, whats going on?

It's such a long fucked up story

but all I'm going to say is im trying to move on with my life and to be happy.

all i seem to be doing is ruining everyone else.

it's so back and forth

My support is great but my main support can't really help when there in JAIL.

fuck sakes

really?

really

Ive been asking that alot with everything going on like your gonna do that....really??? like whatever

I DON'T CARE ANYMORE

I DON'T WANT TO CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE

I wish someone would just take my girls so I could be free.

Finally free

No more drama

no more pain

There is a plus side to all this bullshit,

I've gotten down to the weight i was at before,

118

teens again, im so proud of myself

i fell off track for so long but now im back

the teens taste so good, the bones feel so good

CJ I LOVE YOU< YOUR MY ANGEL

im done ranting i guess

stay strong bitchettes

Nikki

.



it's been a whhhhhile...

Wow, it really has been a while. I wasnt worthy to blog for such a long time n just forgot about it,

My life in the past 4 months have changed and are changing in so many fucked up ways.

nothing in my life has ever been this hard, i wouldnt wish this tortrue on anyone, its hard to stay strong anymore because im so broken

i want this feeling i have to go away

i want the anxiety to float away

my heart was ripped out with a barehand

i thought there was hope

so i went to pick it up, then he stepped on it leaving me with nothing

souless

heartless

empty

dead

the only good thing about this situation is i hgave been so stressed and sick with a really bad cold ive lost alotta weight and am back into the teens again i was 119.5 this am <3 i knew i could always count on you ana\mia to make me smile and to always be there for me.

I miss all of your blogs n im gonna catch up on as much as i can

stay strong lovelies

xox

Nikki

I wish I had more time to post more often.

Instead of when I feel so alone the only place I have to pour out my soul without judgement or whatever.

I keep saying I don't care anymore.

But I really do still about some things.

Overall though, I just don't care.

I've lost hope, lost sight of whats important........

what even matters anymore...........

What makes me happy?

Oh sorry whats happy?

Happy is being thin, starving, losing weight and gaining bones

I'm still fat

i can't even think straight right now.

I'm sick of everything.

I'm done.



Can you even see..

the pain I am in?
Screaming away,
dying to be thin.
I numb the thoughts,
blades and pills,
you still run through my head,
thinking I'm not ill.
One step two steps,
three steps, four,
you'll always be fat
you dirty filty whore.

remember me?

Hey my lovelies
ive been such a stranger but just got back from a much needed vacay.
I came home to a beautiful postcard from i can fly n shit <3
THANK YOUUUU
it was a nice welcome home
I'm extra fat but extra tanned haha
ill post more when i have more time
i miss you all and havent stopped thinking of any of you
stay strong
xox
nikkayyyy

Halo

I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore.
If you are thank you.
I'm in one sticky mother fucking situation.
I don't even know what to say or have an explanation.
All I can seem to say is FUCKKKKK or damn or mmmm
CJ~ I loved your post about 5 truths and lies so here are mine :

5 truths

1. I love my girls more than I will ever know
2. I'm addicted to coffee and if it could be interveniously injected I would
3. Iam going to try and work on things in family even if it hurts and im not 100% happy
4. I will be happy
5. i will be thin

5 lies

1. one day I will be happy
2. I accept my body
3. what happened happened and i've learned my lesson
4. it wont happen again
5. I will not cut until I bleed the blood I deserve

FUCKKKKK
I'm going shopping today i hope i can stop thinking.....maybe for 5 minutes.......ive stopped taking my meds...why u ask.....i dont know....because i'm so far gone whats the point anymore.................

FBE

Free
Body
Expressionist

Free
Bodied
Expressionism

How ever you want to look at it, pronounce it, what you think of it, is all up to you.
Cj <3 Your my teacher! lmao

Anywhoooooo, theres still that boy lurking around in my life.
He's as good as I remember him from when I was wasted.
Damnitt fuck shit fuck
That's not good, this may be a problem.
But it doesn't have to be if I don't make it one right?
I don't know what else to say or if i feel like talking about that anymore.

Today is the service for that sweet girl who was taken away too early from us.
It's not in the town I am in but about 3 hours south as it was her home town.
I don't do death well, been to a funeral once.
I am afraid of death a phobia almost
I don't deal well, but who really does?
I'm sad I can not be there
I hope she see all of us that are thinking of her today.
The skies weep on this sad day which doesn't make this any easier.
The weather is SHIT, it's depressing, can't go for a walk, or to the park with the kids just to get out of the house......
go for drives but that's not as fun and not as much exercise as my fat assery needs
was gonna go to the mall? stroller is soaked.... i could get a cart.......i dunno what i would even buy, it would have to be something tho to make me happy even just for a little.
I can still go out....i should....hello CABIN FEVER.
Fuck a Duck
PT is a crazy drama rama mess
The community is broken and eggshells have been spread
I wondered why I frequented less there
Now I will prob totally avoid that place because of all the stupid high school shit
I'm not 12
which is sad cuz I've met alot of really great people there
some of my closest <3
Blah I need more coffee n a possible plan lol
Stay strong
Niks
p.s. still fat but hoping to reach a goal by thursday. fuck you mom and your candy.
its a waste cause it's going in the trash
why didn't you take it home?
oh because you cant control and would eat the whole bag?
You know i have issues n you still left me with all this SHIT
gah
end

It's been a while since ive been on here

things lately have been ok with hubby etc i seem to be happier in a way?

i dont know though, ive gained a "few" lbs and im sick of it

sick of binging, but I can't seem to stop

still defs discusted with myself. look where i was and now where iam

what the fuck happened you ask?

i wish i knew the answers to that.

im kinda basically just surviving

alone for 2 weeks so just me n the girlies

alot of work but im glad i have them :)

went out last night, got drunk off my ass, danced alot, met alot of sweet people and a few cutie pies!

damn...i havent been asked forr my digits in forever, felt nice cuz im fat

but i got hot mama and milf alot thru the night so yay ego boost

One of the guys i met i did give him my digits i know whore right?

he called me when i got home and we just bullshitted til we both passed out haha

 been texting a bit and i woke up from my hell of a hangover vomiting mess nap with a phone call from him :)

he wants to see me again and take me for dinner?

what?

sorry babes im married

really didnt change his mind though

he also has two daughters

sexy voice

fuck....i know im gonna have to get rid of him soon though.

as of right now though....nothing will happen but ill talk to him

then decide on that

i pretty much puked my entire insides out today tho

INvoluntary puking=not the same as purging

i think im done puking atol today so no binges

stupid fat whore bitch

what sorry

Another girl i was in the hospital with and kinda close too........

her life was taken far too soon from the world of eds

she was such a nice caring quiet talented artistic woman

so sweet. so loved

I dont know exactly what happened, either suicide or complications.

i know this is dumb to say but she didnt seem suicidal, but who ever really does?

this is #3 now

it really makes u think

it is all really worth it

i think it is

but then this happens n your always thinking maybe its not

i dont babbling for now.

i miss this community

i miss all of you n hope that your staying strong

its hard but worth it in the end

xoxo

Nikki

bite fight slut cut

I feel trapped in a world I can't control anymore.
Nothing is good enough, nor will it ever be.
I try, I fail.
I should be aware of this by now.
Failure seems to be my thing.
At the same time I'm ready to change how things work, how I act, what I do and how others treat and respect me.
I'm done being walked on, used and labelled.
I'm sorry for lack of blogging, I feel I'm to fat to blog, a disappointment to the ED world.
I don't know where else to turn tho.
No one understands me and I've come to the realization maybe no one ever will and I'm ok with that.
I shouldn't have to explain myself or my ways.
If you don't like it, then you can have a nice day and fuckoffplease
So I need to be more accountable for myself and make short and long term goals.
Here are a few......

• Be less indecisive, not let people walk all over and use me.
• Try n look at the positive side of things
• Write/ journal more
• Find out who my real friends are, who I can trust and who is blatantly lying to my face.
• I'm sick of being labelled the bitch slut whore.
• More independent
• I want to change my name my hair.
• I enjoy my personality so not that
• I want people to look at me and think I am strong
• I want respect when it's given

There is so much i want to change and figure out about myself......I would love any suggestions that would help this and more goals.

I feel like no one respects me...so why the fuck should I respect myself.
I need to be thin again.
I need to let Ana and Mia help me get there.
They will mold me into who I want to be.
Just as long as I don't sabotage myself and fail
I cannot fail again
It's unacceptable
I won't let it happen and I'm posting this so I am accountable for my actions.
I feel alone in this journey.
Alone in life.
People cause too much drama and I'm fucking sick of drama.
If you want Drama, be an actor, but stay away from me.
I have enough of it thanks.
It may sound selfish but I'm just gonna do me and you could never EVER understand it.
I know a few of you do and that's what keeps me strong knowing I am not totally alone in this hell I have created for myself.
CJ our alias' excite me!!!! People think I'm this cookie cutter.......
If they only knew....but what kind of fun would that be now right?!?
Right.
Life fucks me.....but I'm just gonna kick it right back in its face.
I realize I have control over my life and I'm gonna use it.
I will be strong again.
I have to be.....
What else is there........
Any feedback would be super guys thanks
thinking of you all even if I'm currently a lost soul.
<3 xxx
Nikki

Take me Ana

In your frail tiny arms

let me feel what you can bring me

what i want to be

I need you so much right now.

I give you my heart and soul

Please just give me strength and support

you wont be disappointed.



apologies

Hello my beautiful dolls

I'm sorry I have been such a stranger danger

I have not been a good girl and have not deserved to blog or be on here so my apologies for failing all of you.

i gained some weight.........fell wayyyy off the stupid wagon and now am feeling the way i deserve to.

but iam buliding my wagon back and taking baby steps to being strong!!!

CJ i have you to thank

ive lost 3.5lbs since my last dreaded weigh so im on my way.

with hubby home for the week it was hardd i just ate, and binged :(

like i can be so strong all day then night comes and i fall apart.

i havent been exercsing like i should either gah

but i went for a walk the other day

restricted well yesterday, gonna do yoga/walk today too

i hope the weight drops fast

i messed up bad

but im on my way back bitches.

i just need support....im not asking for it but it helps.

ill post more later

stay strong

i miss everyone

xoxo

mama niks

23 followers now? It makes me so happy even though lately I have felt/been the biggest failure yet.

Welcome my 2 new lovelies

thank you for your comments, thank all of you for your comments, makes me feel a bit less of a failure. :P Lately it's just been extra hard with hubby out of town etc. I've been purging alot more and realize why i just rather not eat but yah I'm fat and apparently cant handle it.

I don't wanna post lately because i feel unworthy too. iam not double digits I've been b/p or just binging so bad and haven't weighed in weeks. with hubby not around yah its good with no food junk food etc but then i just find other shit to binge on, like what the fack. lol

go me

Lately i have been extra hard on myself, i am not doing well, i feel like I've gained all the weight I've lost, failed horribly, can't get back on track, nothing I do is good enough and I've totally lost my self confidence and who I am.

I need to get my confidence back but why do I need people to tell me I look ok? mainly boys?

people almost need to re assure me even tho i don't believe them or at least ana doesn't but it helps.

I'm sorry everyone I'm like a walking baby wah wah wah

if I'm sick of being fat .....get back on track you fat fuck

if your not happy change it, get back on track etc.

thanks people cause you know that's not what i would kill for right now.

but so many fucking thoughts run thru my head, you've failed so much

give up

oh well your stressed, hubby's not home, blah blah blah

fuck you fat ass excuses.

I want to slip into a drug/alcohol induced coma

aren't i a great mother :'(

but thank you everyone for your support, your words mean more than anything.

Today I will get my confidence back and it will radiate and make me feel better and maybe just maybe I can get me back too.

Mich~ thanks for your new comment and welcome to my fucked up world haha i try to be the best mom i can, my girls are my world.

Gianni~ welcome welcome, thanks for your comment too

sorry i haven't been commenting much on your blogs, shit has is fucked up and i feel like shit and want to disappear lmao

ill be back soon bitches

gabby~ i hope your doing well, I'm proud of you

CJ~god i hope you realize your not worth all the shit and pain you go thru, i fucking hate it and i wish i could save you xoxoxoxo

ok mama needs coffee

love you all

Nikki



Get high like planes...

I thought if I posted,

 I thought I shouldn't post because I am not worthy.

You all amaze me with your thoughts and comments.

Today was....hard. Depressed alot more than usual.

Still feel like shit, look like shit, am shit.

I actually cried today,felt good, I felt weak.

but i try and remain strong for my girls and me.

My mama came to visit, and my bff.

Day got better as i drank coffee n got high.

I've been smoking cigs lately too.....but I dunno I can't seem to get into it.

Compared to smoking weed, it's nasty ass fuck.

Don't smoke kids.well cigs anyways.

I can only smoke after I toke or drink or I gag at the taste.

Better than stuffing my face......

It helps though when there is absolutely no food in the house to binge on.

It's pretty barren.....I'll make supper n lunch for my girls but kids are easy and no one is asking me now did you eat?

Are you going to eat? your gonna eat that? now?

but then i get starved and go to binge but no bread, cookies, anything binge like.

I need groceries tho at the store tomorrow but just staple things...but it still scares the shit outta me but my girls have to eat.

I'm so disappointed on how I have failed so badly lately.

I want to get back on track even tho sometimes I feel so far fucking gone, why bother....

I took my girls to the park today and played around, it wasn't much but the fresh air was nice.

I'm pretty sure I almost blacked out when we got home cuz i had only 35 cals all day.

Made some sammiches for supper.

Because there was nothing else.

I hate carbs but i had some bread....turkey slices n cucumber.

I thought i was gonna binge but when theres no food....haha defeats the point haha

but at the same time i got pissed off there was no food i could eat

haha

yay minfucking

Ive also had the worst hunger headache of my fucking life all day.

Reminds me that I'm doing good.

Although I know I am not

i need to start somewhere tho to get back on track

i miss yoga and walks, I'm gonna start back into that asap.

Losing weight and the benefits etc are the only thing that seem to make me truly "happy" and somewhat OK with myself.

Today overall Ive prob had 300 cals?

I know I won't binge so no purging, maybe my throat will feel better

I can't let this win.

I will win this fight and i won't give up.

I can't give up on this, I want this.

I will be strong

I will be skinny

I will accomplish something I AM proud of.

But sometimes it's just so fucking hard.....in too many ways......

to fucking hard.....

But I will walk with ana

She will not drag me along anymore.....

NiKkI

<3

Alwaysstriving~ thank you for your comments, bulimia is different than i remember, I'm mostly ana but mia sneaks up on me, and kicks my ass n then i remember why i just don't eat :P xoxo

Unbeautiful~~ thanks for your thoughts, I'm really trying to keep the drugs to a minimum <3

Gabby~~ Love you baby I wish i felt more useful in my life.....

xoxoxox 

I fly like paper

Been mia

shits been crazy

been eating far to much

not losing

aunt flo here

fat fat FAT FUCKING WHORE

hubbys new job so hes gone for weeks

its good for not eating

but ive been b/ping alot

alot

but im still fat

118.5 hahahha ya right im terrified to weigh and feel like ive gained 15.

im grotesque i know and dont feel or deserve that i belong here

im ashamed and sorry my lovelies.

my throat hurts from purging its gross

like me

i hope i can change things soon

I dont wanna think anymore

yay drugs

the only thing keeping me sane

drugs and cigs

Im thinking of you all

gah i hate this feeling

xox

niks

Good day my readers, my beautiful readers.

The weekend has been....ok? Kinda had a bit of a breakdown yesterday. stressed, mad frustrated.

every emotion at once.

Im a fat fuck

havent didnt weigh cause i ate and im a pig

gross i know.

I just wanna get back on track and fucking stay there, damn DAMN!!

We went for a walk yesterday n sat at a park.

was nice and i wore shorts haha wtf

and i wore my new shorts out in public last night hah yay me.

I keep waking up in the worst mood but we went swimming this morning :)

our sunday family swim was nice.

the weathers been nice, windy as FACK tho but not bad.

uhg im discusting and fat and fucking grotesque haha

short but i dunno what else to say

xoxoxo

stay strong

nikkay

$#@!*&%$#

Morning.

Weighed in yesterday at 119.0

This morning at 118.5, I'm happy BUT for how much I've been restricting, eating healthy, and exercising, I'm pissed off.

BUT it could be worse right?

I"m bitchy...yayyyyy......sarcasm here......

My hubby made me go see the doc, gotta get blood work done and an ECG.

Fantastic, but I know im still fat enough that my heart is fine

I want to be 110 pounds so fucking bad.

I'm back on track and should hopefully see it soon..I hope i don't plateau.

I've been binge free forrrrr probably almost a week, which is good, but I feel a binge coming on, and the fact my weight isn't dropping how i want it too, sometimes i feel why the fuck not, but then id be gross.

grosser?

is that a word? well if not i made that shit up copy right bitches

All i feel is fat, but my clothes tell me different xs are fun but i still don't believe it.

I think i could be bitchy cause aunt flo may be coming fuck fuck fuckkkkk

My hubby wants me to go back and talk to my ED psychologist too.

Maybe if i wanted or thought i needed help i would

it would be an entire waste of time because i don't wanna talk about anything

i black shit out for a reason get high to forget so yah

we will see how that goes.

we bought bikes yesterday...and molded seats for the back for our girls.

I prob haven't ridden a bike in 15? years?

Yah, it was fun and we go way farther than our walks take us but holy fucking shit.

biking is way harder than walking, I'm glad the exercise kicks my ass but i got mad at myself thinking i could do better actually make it up a hill? everyone was cruising past  me but they also didn't have a 20lb baby on the back so STFU.

I actually had a good sleep last night, actually slept, possibly because i was so busy doing errands running around working out and our bike ride but i got my anxiety meds filled yesterday and i took two that may also have helped.

I'm done bitching

NiKkI

stay strong

Shopping bliss

Good evening lovelies <3

The past few days have been good.

Been shopping cause I've actually had bday money etc.

Victoria's Secret OWNS me.

Got some sweats, tank tops, and a new bra, it's super amazing.

Got a few tanks elsewhere and shorts.

Size 3 <3

I NEVER wear shorts but these are cute.

and a size three, id wear size three anything haha

tomorrow is going to be the first day I've weighed since I came home.....

Ive been good, yoga, walking and minimal safe foods.

I was 118.5 last time I weighed so I'm praying for the best but not getting my hopes up because I've done that before n been shot downTOWN! so yea.....

Please cross your everything and pray to the weight gods for me!!!!

erm tomorrow i have a doc appt cuz hubby says im getting to skinny, not healthy n wants me to get checked out FACK. I'm not even at a low weight yet gah.

A new follower also this excites me.

:)

Welcome

Stay strong

xox

nikki

Another year older

Yesterday was my birthday.

:)

Pretty chill day but lately with how things have been, it was nice.

Hubby worked til' 4.

My rents came over to watch the girls

 ( cause god forbid it's my bday n they wouldnt take em overnight).

BUT thats not the point.

Went for dinner, I know food, but it was nice just the two of us.

Watched the hockey game, goddamn you Vancouver. Pull it together!!!!!!!

Ok, i'm calm.

Got flowers and a new set of headphones. Their called Beats by Dr. Dre.

If you wo not know what these are google it.

But they make my skullcandies look like dollar store SHIT.

They were $200.

Nuff said.

They make me WET.

bahahaha

Hubbys taking me to Victorias seceret to go shopping but i aint buying bras n panties haha

I love their PINK store. I'm gonna live in sweats and hoodies from there. hah I'm not paying out my ass for shit no one is going to see. hahahaha

I also got some cash and its going towards my new tattoo :)

I can't wait, gonna make an appt soon.
We went swimming this morning.
gross fat ass in a bathing suit but at least it was exercise

going shopping today!!!
okay and some pics.....

ok pics kinda suck but lil wayne was stellar. i dun knmow if the vid will work but yah
nikki

 

Thanks Bitches

What would I do with you lovelies?

I would not be here.

<3

Thank you for all your comments and thoughts.

Your all in my heart.

I'm home....I'm glad.....I was about to murder my parents in their sleep.

TOMORROWS MY BIRTHDAYYYYY

I mean what.

I'm ...... 21!!!! bahaha

I feel 21.

But I'm actually turning 26.

boo lol I'm a old lady hah

I got $140 already.

~woot~

I'm pretty sure I'm getting a tatty asap.

I've been working on the design and where I want it.

This is what I think I'm going for, I'm designing it a bit differently.

Maybe hearts...not stars?

Dragonflies instead of butterflies, I've got a tramp stamp on my back with butterflies HA

aaaand my girls names weaved into it.

OR

I may get my girls names under my collar bones, cause collar bones are

DELICIOUS.

But the bad thing of having such a hard week and being depressed and not being home and being around my mom the binge eater and always has junk around.

I have a food baby. :'(

I took my scale to my moms but it stayed in my trunk of my car.

My clothes feel ok but I know I've gained

TERRIFIED to weigh.

Bah.

But now I am home less junk, more yoga and back to our walks and I think were going swimming Sunday.

Scared? fuck yes

but its exercise.

okay I'm done for now.

sorry i haven't commented on your blogs but I have been reading them all.

Stay strong my baby beauties

XOX

Mama Niks.

Sorry bitches

Sorry lovelies.

Things lately have been......tough, you could say.

I'm currently not at home.

Staying with the rents

Took my girls n left.

don't feel like details.

I've been very suicidal....n i am a bit anti suicide...

but theres no way I'm abandoning my girls

made my mom upset

n my dad

I'm not going anywhere soon tho

i just want the drama to be over, quiet, i give up.

binged alot cuz I'm so depressed

brought my scale but its in the trunk of my car still....

I'm scared but getting back on track

walked today

ate minimal safe foods n no binging

ill weigh soon but when i feel its safeish

i cut my arm worse than i thought.

i never cut where people can see usually on my hips, thighs etc.

cut on top of my forearm closer to my elbow, it split fast and bad and bled alot.

the blade i use is extra sharp n i didn't think it would be easier.

exacto knife

sharp

i don't know how i feel about it

but i can say its a bad scratch....

it was deeper than all my others...

but more satisfying

it hurts like a mofo tho when i forget about it

and i have to cover as i am with my parents atm

meh

fuck you life

i miss you people but things have been so fucked

ill be back

Nikki