hey

day went ok

got high, and went to my actual first yoga class :)

i practice is alot at home but this was my first time in a studio

it was great.

i hope i can go another time

the roads were shit driving out there

im a bit stressed n shit from that.

kinda down n in a bitchy mood

but dunno why

weight is good did yoga 200 cals for the day

what could possibly be bringing me down?

I I have a thought or two
but dont wanna think about ir right now

Hubby made buns and bread all day
fml
came home n the whole house reaked of bread and hes got buns in the oven right now.
fresh homemade buns?
i fucking hate you
im doing good...
i dont want to eat but i can;t explain if i was to binge
why is this so hard and confusing to name a few

"It's not your fault, I'm a bitch, I'm a monster. Yes I'm a beast and I feast when I conquer"
Nicki Minaj

I'm so contradicted right now.
I can;t even explain these thoughts into words
I hope my glasses come in this week
:( that would make me happy

Cj-im glad your back!!!!!!!!!!!!<3

"The numbers race through my brain, they wont stop, the torture, the pain."
Nikki(me) :)

End
peace
nikki
<3

Owy my bum.....

So Hi :)

My weekend has been great so far. I haven't binged in......4 days? Weird, I usually keep close track, maybe because im not im not overstressing. hmmm odd

So my goal for MONDAY was 129.

I weighed in at 128.5 on SATURDAY!!

ya, im still baffled excited and motivated!!

I did good yesterday, had a drink of Vodka which is 60-80 cals but i made room for it in the day.

I wasn't going to weigh this morning due to drinking being up late etc.

buuuut i did anyways

<3

:D

127.5

lowest yet!!!!

120 is my first actual goal.

im so close i cant give up now!!!!!

summeer summer summer!!!

Victorias secret is my lover!!

It's thinspo i can look at without hubby asking whats that blah blah lol

shes on my desktop background too, hubby was like OH nice. i thought hed freak haha yay me.

I went n saw my boys again last night <3

being surrounded by cute boys who think your hot and amazing and makes u feel like a million bucks.

Totally Priceless <3

Ive never had as great friends as I do now.

was me and 6 guys?? hahahaha HEAVEN!!!!!!

Today I'm actually going to my very first actual yoga class!!

I do yoga and pilates very frequently on my phone or with dvds due to kidlets lol.

But a girl i went to highschool with invited me. my mamas gonna watch the girls while i go.

Im super stoked!!

Im nervous tho too cuz ive never actually attended a class with other people.

uhm i fell on my ass/hip last night on some stairs.

haha yay me

i was more embarassed tan hurt

but i got a nice bruise forming

<3 haha

I hope your weekends have been ok everyone

<3 stay strong

it wont be long

peace

love

<3skinny<3

Tonight I'm lovin' you

Hey Lovers.

So glad it's Friday.

I didn't binge last night so that makes 2 days down :)

I dont have a goal just to stay strong and keep going.

My weigh was 2lbs down from yesterday so yay,

not 129 yet but close, ill be that by Monday.

well look at me I just set a goal :)

I hope i can surpass it :)

i've been doing yoga and ballet stretches basically everyday. im BENDY!!

haha but wanna be bendier. is that a word?

If not  i made it up!!!!

Glitch- supper was yummy, and yah im in love with my munroe id marry it if i could haha
that sucks about your work....damn squares haha :)

Weekends here tho. I'm ok with it, i just have to stay focused and strong :)
I don't see a problem there.
T-minus 10 days til BC <3
I got new glasses today!!!! Their funky i havent had new ones in 5 years.
I have to wait cuz their being ordered!!!!
i want them right MEOW!!!!!!!( hehehe gabby)
uhm
yup exciting eh?

Cj- I hope your hanging in there babe <3

now im just rambling about pointless shit
smoke time

stay strong <3
Nikki

I fly with the stars in ths sky

I just wanna touch her collar bones <3

Well,

yesterday was ok.

Got a few errands done sans kids.

so that was sweet, saw my boys <3

Went out for supper at Dim Sum.

Which equal zero healthy

I was scared but it actually turned out not too bad

Had lots of veggies,shrimp scallops.

I managed to survive. lol

Yay me!!

I weighed in this am,

same as when I weighed the other day.

I'm trying to stay positive.

It didn't go up and we did go for supper last night.

I didn't work out  cause I could barely walk .hahah

Today I did yoga and have been stretching and doing lots around the house because it's -36 degrees Celsius. For my american friend i have no clue what that is in Fahrenheit, but it's DAMN cold.

Deffo to cold to go out today.

so yay for working out all day

I've had 35 cal yogurt and 5 almonds which was 34

so im at 58 and it's 3:00pm

not bad.

dinner will be easy

dessert is my favorite cause theirs no calories hahaha

mmmm weed

T-minus 11 days til BC <3

Becky: I think it was your blog with all the pics they were really great!!!!

I didn't binge last night :)

yay for my boring ass post lol

I hope my weight is down tomorrow.

That is all for meow.

Love you all

stay strong

Nikki

<3

If this is how death feels....

Then please take me now.
sorry i didnt post more yesterday guys or post pics..ya shit happens but here you go :)

This is my new laptop case and my new phones <3 I wish they had the purple pair but i settled for the black.

I was also hoping my laptop was fucked so I could get a new one.Damn. awe well.

Glitch- ya shopping rocks my socks, i just wish i wasn't such a broke ass ho haha.dang. i loved your last post on how you feel free <3 thats all i want, is to be free <3

lil miss-i kinda fucked up my binge, but it's not really the most important thing on my mind.haha damn i suck

Gabby-im sorry u had a bad day yesterday, i havent cut in so long but im getting too the point where i just wanna die stay strong gabirella

uhm ya i had the shittiest sleep

woke up with a headache that could crush my brain

didn't weigh

still fat

i got violently ill, not on purpose, it scared me, i couldt stop it, cold sweats, shaking, i had some water i hope it helps. i need to go to the bank today n it's my dads birthday.

this is a day where i wanna go back to bed forever

but i have to be somewhat normal

i didn't walk yesterday due to the fact that what i carry baby in was in hubbys truck at work.

fail

but i did some ADVANCED yoga

im so fucking sore today but i love it

i cleaned yesterday too

so no walk but owy yoga

im to scared to weigh cuz im grotesque

my body is mad at me for the torture im puttin g it through

i dont eat all day then small supper

usually thats it unless i binge :(

it hurts

i hurt

I got my munroe piercing changed...sorry for the shit pic and my gross face

it feels way better and doesnt get caught in my damn teeth no mo!!! uhm

yes

id post a pic of me in my new hoodie but my face is in it. I dont know how to feel about that yet.

lol

supper tonight terrifies me

im thinking maybe i should eat more so i can actually function

but i can't

but i cant do this anymore

i still need to lose

FML

lol

sorry so bitter

im just mad at me

well hopefully more pics later and deffo more ranting

xxxx

stay strong

peace

love

skinnay

bitches <3

ps- KIRRARI- i can't read your blog cause im not invited :( lol

I have no words

Hello hello hello.
I have my laptop back!!!! I missed my baby femputer <3
now i can read blogs properly haha
so long weekend was ok. went n saw my friend on saturday nigt n hung out with the boys. was nice to see them and actually leave the house.
went shopping yesterday because retail therapy always helps. Even the hubby got a few things so we were both satisfied haha, I got some new skull candy headphones, music is my life and ear buds suck, so i got some new phones ill post pics soon cause i an now cuz i'm on my comp. Got a new case fer my phizzy it's purple. Got 2 new tanks and a hoodie, it's a SMALL!!!!! ya that makes me feel nice after i weighed in and was up :'( fail
uhm ok good ive changed colors haha anyways and yah got a new laptop case. pics to come later because i plan on being a post whore today. ha im hoping to take a walk to the bank n do some yoga. I didn;t binge last night so I weighed this morning......BAD IDEA
fail
fail fail
im no longer 129 and ashamed to tell you what I am now.
Im getting to comfortable here and thats BAD this is not where I want to be.
but im still gonna stay strong n not binge for 3 days with Cj :)
hopefully ill start dropping again soon
ive thought about eating more instead of fasting all day small supper and then binge urges at night so bad i wanna rip my hair out. but eating more scares me.....i would only eat safe foods though.
damn mind tricks...damn you!!
im just super mad at my weight
i have to try harder and im going to.

no damn you nikki for being so FAT
you were doing so good and decided to stuff your fat face
well good job
this is what you get if your not going to folow my rules
you know you deserve this.-ana

well we will see how today goes. I can't fail. again.
walk to bank
yoga
cleaning

oh ya i'm going on a trip beginning of March
with my mom and my girls to see my grandma
hubby free
get to stay at the inlaws house and they wont even be there.
the town is right on the ocean <3
i get to see some good girlfriends <3
i get to get away from this for a while
the weed is amazing
i need to look good
i will look good

beware of pics n more posts later

i love you bitches
im sorry for being fat

mama nikki
peaceout

Quickie but who cares right?

My laptop is back in business but alas I'm still on my phone haha will officially post asap
Love u all u skinny bitches
Three days binge free that's my goal
Niks.

Check out this video on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXZ8Mb0sGfI&feature=youtube_gdata_player


This is my song atm I like it and it's a good tune so enjoy!!!

"she said her name was Nikki, came to play and her body was sick ya, she kill ya when she walk, so sexy when she talks, oh you know she's gonna blow ya mind, Nikki!!"

Stay strong xxx

Can you see my pain?

Last night I failed again boo on me.
Today I've only had 176 cals been running around all day, did 70min of some intense yoga and it made me feel better. Also had my diet tea that always helps with a good flush. Lol
Not much else....
Mandy I love your thinspo!!!!!
Cj I'm getting worried
As glitch gabby kirrari everyone thanks for your comments
You make me laugh gabby lol
I wish I had more to write :)
Stay strong
Xxxx
Mama Nikki

V is for vagina

Hahaha got your attention didn't I?!? ;)
Kirrari happy belated v day to you too. That's really great your three days no binging!! That's great!!!

I managed 5 days and I caved last night I'm sorry everyone but it won't get in my way. I didn't weigh this am cuz I was to scared but today I'm gonna limit my cals and do some cleaning :)
I'm disappointed in myself but I'm getting back up brushing myself off and getting back on track!!
I realized I've lost 11 pounds since prob Jan 24th ish gives me motivation to keep going. I hope last night didn't sabotage me too bad.
Only tuesday hey? Damn I need a new goal.... Give me your ideas people!!!!!!
My mum hugged me yesterday n said oh your getting so tiny!!! Inside I was ecstatic but I knew it's not a good sign. Mental note wear layers around parents etc.
I'm going thru my clothes today and getting rid of unnesseaaries like old maternity clothes and shit I don't wear anymore. Alot of my old stuff is fitting again :) it's great motivation and I found my skinny skinny jeans from when I was 99lbs I can't freaking wait to try them on and be able to button them....I'm to scared now though haha awe but I'm going to be strong!!!
Blah I just wish I could get high n fucked up on pills today but I kind of have a responsibility lol ah well later will be good
Time to purge
My closet that is lol
Stay strong angels
Xoxoxo

I can see the light...

Hey all
I did it
I can't believe it, I'm waiting to wake up and realized it was all a dream.
I can do it
my goal for today was 130
129
Happy valentines day to me!!!
I'm glad i didn't weigh yesterday
Dinner at my parents went well
BInge free: 5 days I think that's the most ive gone in forever I can't even remember
I'm gonna try n make it a week
:) I'll be strong!
Today my mom gave me money so I could get out of the red in my account
I cried cuz were so broke
Feels like a weight off my shoulders
I love them to death
Bbyhales stay strong u don't need a man anyways haha
Cj please text me I need you
Happy valentines day everyone even if this day I think is a sham boo just a corporate holiday
But I'm sending my love and strength to all of you today and everyday.
Today has been good so far
Had a tomato and some coffee :)
I went for a walk to the bank too so I could deposit the money so yay money and some exercise :) I hope I can squeeze some yoga in too.
Take care Angela xoxoxo
Stay strong stay thin
Niks

It's go time

Hey hey hey
Didn't binge last night!! Woop uhm had a not bad sleep and I managed to avoid the sale this morning. So I'm really really REALLY hoping I've done good enough to be 130 tomorrow morning. It would be the best start to the week ever,
I'm still binge free for 4 days? 5 days? Last time I binged was last tues night
So today will be day 5!!!! HellZ yea!
I'm so motivated I'm realizing I'm getting closer and closer the better I do and I'm so focused I love the feeling!!!
Bbyhales your doin great too!! Yay for Canadian hot skinny bitches!! Woop
As I can't believe u think I'm inspiration. That is amazing thank you thank you
Everyone I missed I love you too!
I had diet tea today and 35 cal yogurt so I'm still low an have to have supper but I won't eat much :) I'm excited for more progress n that I didn't weigh this am :)
Stay strong beautiful
Nikki Nikki your so fine.....

Skinny is inny

Party went well had fun lotsa kids and was good to see my friends :) there was snaacks treats cake goodies cupcakes everything but I say strong had few baby carrots some broccoli n cauliflower and coffee!!!! I almost had to eat cake but I can't I wouldn't have been able to so it without purging but I manged and did have anything else!! Woop!! Had beef broth with veg again so my cal count today is
176
Lower than I thought we will see what tomorrow says, I'm thinking of not weighing tomorrow n saving it for monday to keep me motivated and possibly surprised?? Input???
Dinner tomorrow at my moms....ribs but i will fill up on veggies and have a bit of meat I won't blow this now!! I'm realizing how much closer ad closer I'm coming to my goals and I don't want to stop I want this feeling to last forever and ever, oh and it will ;)
Stay strong!! The weekends almost through :)
Love you guys xoxoxo
And remember think thin!!!
And that winnings good.....but losing is BETTER!!!!
<3

Morning :)
I didn't binge last night!! Ya hills woop
Today I have a birthday party to go too a kids first birthday party, I'm excited to see my friends and their kids but at the same time I'm terrified of the food i know that's gonna be there ack birthday cake snacks ack but I'm feeling strong!!! My oldest can have some cake etc
I'm down another 1.5lbs this am!!
131 now this is my lowest so far and I'm so close to my goal of 130 by monday maybe I can web pass that!! That is what is keeping me motivated! It will be nice to get out of the house today :) hubby's working so yah :)
I feel good today
Thank u everyone for ur comments and support it means so much to me!!!
I'm just glad I disnt binge n back to losing!!
Stay strong angels!!!!!
Binge free 3 days
Niks

I'm back bitches

I call you all bitches but truely it's a compliment from my heart
I ate 8 almonds which is 69 cals hahaawwww yea 69!!!lol

Went for an hour long walk carrying my baby and pulling my oldest in her sled it was an amazing workout and day out :) was warm baby fell asleep as we walked, came home she was still asleep so I put her in her bed, felt more motivated (wtf)did yoga for about 15 to stretch and did sit-ups with my oldest haha I dunno where this motivation came from but im throwing it all out their for u bitches can stay strong!!!! You can do it, we will stick together and remember why were doing this.
I had 20 cals of yogurt
And then low sodium beef broth with carrots and celery and 2 slices of turkey =50
so my grand total today is 220-240. I added more today so let's see if it helps speed this up. :D
Cj your amazing so strong I fucking love you girl!!!
Kirarri I love ur comment stay strong
Bbyhales your doing so good don't give up
Sienna I love u too
I really do love having all of you and knowing someone understands. Xoxoxo stay strong my beautiful angels!!!!!!
Mama Nikki loves u all
Peace love skinny support

Days binge free: 2. :D

I've still been reading all your blogs even if I don't comment, I'm still only using my phone.
Let's see what's new. Hubby and I are in a real tough place right now n neither of us knows what to do. So we just don't talk about it :( I wish he would open up to me more. I'm down another 2lbs I guess...132.5...honestly Lisa disappointed at first it only went down .5 from yesterday and I did yoga yesterday restricted and my cals for the day were 180. You know what's going thru my head? I shoul prob eat a bit more healthy during the day like veggies and yogurt cuz it's very safe but at the same time my mind is thinking more food????? You crazy bitch! You still have so far to go. So I'm gonna try a yogurt n see what happens :) I still plan on being 130 by monday!! I know valentines day is close n how things are around here and our lack of cash I don't see things being romantic at all. Im terrified chocolate will slowly work it's way into my house due to vday, I've got a golden plan....regift!!!! Haha I'm poor and if I give it to someone I'll save money and look like a good friend hahaha you thought thy this time you could sabotage me!!!!! Bahahaha I win.
Uhm what else I don't know....thinking is over rated
I need my coffee
My lifeline
Stay strong my lovers!!!!!!!!

Rolling with the punches

Hey lovers
Today has been good, I binged last night but it won't keep me from trying
I weighed this am 135 so same. All that goes thru my head is "I could have been down so so much more" but ya it happened and I'm moving on. I'm gonna try for a week still no binging :) uhm daddy took me to the mall today
I got my new meds and I didn't even have to see my Ed doc or step a foot onto that ward. Thank Jesus. They faxed em to my pharmacy holla! And my anti anxiety pills I take (ativans) I haven't had them in months and he gave them to me again!! I take two one mg a day. These pills make me feel surreal and like I'm floating. I'm calm as calm can be I love this feeling of numbness haha I was high even before I sparked my j haha best day in a long time lol I got my munroe piercing finally downsized and I got a pretty diamond flower :) I lurv it <3 I'll post pics when I fix my god damn femputer! Lol

As and glitch- isn't it a perfect quote mmm yup totally my new saying haha

Graceyj I binged already so oops but I'm gonna start over a week is going to seem like a decade. I will stay strong tho!! Lol

Uhm my guy friend said I was fucking hot and pretty lol I chuckled but it was nice to hear lol
I wish I could share more vids or photos but alas I'm stuck using my phizzy
Aaaaaand, I dunno had 180-200 cals all day n I'm done so I guess yay me!!! I can't type no mo
Peace love skinny bitches
Niks

Oh ya p.s- "Winnings good,Losings better."<3<3<3

I love your pocket rocket

Good day!! I didn't binge last night n prob had 200 cals yesterday :) it gives me new hope. Thank god or whoever listens lol
Softy I can't wait till our next chat!!! Stay strong mon amis!!!
Thanks everyone for ur reads and comments it helps.
Aunt flo is gone! Good riddance you bitch.
New goal- no binging for a week n be down 5 lbs by monday. Oh ya it's gonna happen I know I can do it. I should have done it already! Fuck you food
But I'm excited for the results n how good I will feel I'll be thin by my birthday in may bitches. I promise! Best birthday present EVAR!!!
Uhm I love my boys <3 xoxox their keeping me sane
I love my support you guys are my rocks!!!
I love weed and music haha
Err I was watching the news and I loved the quote I heard about obese teens;

"winnings good, losings better." I love it!! Its my new motto
and scene!
My minds gone blank with thought
Pestering will commence later
Stay strong damnitt!!
Xxx

The sun shines outside, but so dark within

The pain and hurt rushes through my veins like poison.
It's got no where to go as my heart has been ripped out with bare hands.
I'm dead on the inside, somehow my brain manages to continue to mind fuck and scream at me.
What goes around comes around, your about to get burnt.
I'm coming home, let the rain, wash away, all the pain of yesterday,I know my kingdom awaits,and they've forgiven my mistakes.

I'm to fucked right now to make sense.
Did yoga yesterday weighed this am down 4 lbs from when I weighed last n had gained 5. That's all the good news I have. Hopefully today goes well. Well eating wise at least.
Everything else is fucked and I need to make a hard decision soon. I knew this day would come. But it needs to happen.
I'm scared. Terrified. Trembling as I think, then I turn the music louder to drown it all out. I like it better this way.

Blame it on......

"Like oh my god this bitch is FAT, she'll totally squash my skinny ass"

Bbyhales- thank you so much for you advice an your comments, this mother nature thing sucks so bad but your advice is good I'm really gonna try that.

Kirrari- I hate being bitch slapped lol I rather bitch slap other people!!! Haha but thanks so much for your words they have helped so much.

Last night was probably the worst night I've had in a long time. Details are pointless but I'm surprised I didn't slice myself to shreds. I should have, but meh. It was emotional and mental torture. I don't think this headache will ever subside.
Was supposed to go out last night but plans fell thru, just my luck. I ate a healthy lunch with my mom yesterday n snuck my way out of supper, last night was the first night I didn't binge all week. It makes me feel better not great but better, I'm gonna stay strong all weekend do some yoga and weigh in on monday morning. I hope it's less terrifying than last time.
I pulled probably half my hair out last night, it's falling out anyways so meh.
I love you Softy <3 you kept me going last night n iam forever in your debt I live u like my own sister. I don't know where I'd be without my support system xoxox
But I'm done for now I need to figure out my plan of attack today.
Stay strong cause i kno I have to.
Niks

Sabotage

Yea the title basically explains what I've been doing to myself, I deserve this punishment I've done bad so bad
I know it's that time of the month but I weighed this morning
What a fucking mistake
I'm up five fucking pounds
Five
That's five to many see people Ian a failure no matter what I do I fucking fail I'm trying to be strong but it's just kicking me in the teeth any chance it gets I deserve the worst punishment possible
Maybe now my fat stupid ass will learn it's lesson
Now it's the weekend and I'm so terrified cuz they are so hard for
Me too
:'( I'm so hurt at myself and letting everyone Down again
Like what the fuck is wrong with me??
Oh ya I'm just a fatass
N my mom wants to go fr lunch today so I'm gonna go see her cuz I said I would, I'm gonna be the biggest bucket of sunshine....
Great really great
Fuck

My laptop still is fucked
Boo
I've done horribly this week
Horridly
I was 134 last time I weighed now I'm to scared and fat to even look at the scale. What have i done :'( I've failed once again
I feel like I've gained 20lbs I'm to sared to weigh cuz of my period and binges but it's killing me.
I'm outta meds
Gotta go to the unit for new ones
No thanks
I hope I can call my prescription in
I'm sorry for letting everyone down
I've been drinking my diet tea so it probably helped a bit
I feel like a lost cause
A wannabe
But this is not who I'm destined to be
I will be skinny
It's just seems so untouchable right now
My rag really threw me off and it's owning me
I don't even know what to write anymore,
I'm FAT
Period.
I don't know what to think or do I havent eaten all day like usual
I want to eat but scared I won't stop
Blah
Stay Stronger than me people please
Blah blah blah
Skinny